#167. Counting down.

被别人揭穿了很难受. 自己都没有发现原来泪水忍了很久.
一直很想在这里呆久一点. 还有很在意生日有没有很多人陪我一起过.
最重要的原因其实只有一个.

Has anyone realized that this goodbye means forever?



人会感觉到寂寞不是身边没有人而是自已在意的人没有在意自己. -Suki Lau, 2012.

#166. 当我喜欢你的时候.

HIS252 was how we met each other :) Wouldn't deny that it was your face who attracted me a first haha I was thinking how come AUP got such a lengzai but I don't know one! Then I don't know how I found out that you are Ztao's junior, jokingly asked him to intro to me a few times but I chickened out anyway. Broke my principle to add only people that I know in person on fb after I discovered your account :D waited for a few weeks until I finally decided to pm you and we chatted for the first time *v*

Then we chatted for a few times until we arranged to meet to give you the Cal2 test samples. 第一次的心跳就是这样来的 and everything was different every since. 12 Nov. The first time we went for dinner and swimming together :B then it was all random chats and 두근 두근 moments until 14 Jan. The day we went to Midvalley together :B before that I wasn't really hoping for anything but that outing made me feel like maybe we have a chance together :) we talked so much like old friends. I saw a different side of you.

But things resumed to normal as if the outing never happened. I was doubting whether you have a split personality hahahahaha just as a joke. Then I don't know why I decided to confess. One month later. On V'day. But it turned out really bad hahaha. It was funny to think bout it now but then it was one of the worse heartbreaks ever :O Things were awkward for a while, the ego in me was making me feel super embarrassed for what I did. Maybe I even subconsciously avoided you because you came asking me bout it :O

So many times I wanted to give up but I failed anyway. Which leads to.. This post. It is like a must for my memorable relationships B-)

喜欢你让我觉得很想努力. It's like I don't know what the outcome will be but I just feel so. Don't know whether I'm trying to impress you but I constantly feel the need to improve myself. Like when I go swimming thinking of you makes me take extra laps. And I study extra hard. 喜欢你也让我觉得很没有自信. 两个前女友都那么漂亮你又怎么会看上我呢. 也对拉 :O 最重要的是你是那种走出去也不怕没有人不要的类型 :D I wish to be the one who share your problems but you don't seem to have any because 看起来就像没有什么东西可以影响你的心情还是让你不开心 :O

Up until now it's super weird between us when there is a third party around. 可能是怕别人会发现什么所以就不敢什么说话 and you will be super quiet too. Then I will feel super awkward because of the silence and end up talking nonsense and acting like a fool. You must think I'm stupid. Hmmm. DO I LOOK DESPERATE WHEN I DO THAT #$%^&%#^!^#%&*^&^*$#$# The point is, why is it so hard to be myself when I'm with you PLUS A THIRD PARTY. DAMN.

写了那么多其实重点就只有那一句 HAHAHAHA. 因为是我一整天在烦恼的事情 哎哎哎 :3

좋아해 좋아해 좋아해좋아해좋아해 :*
왜 그렇게 좋냐?!!!

I'm actually looking forward to Summer Beach Camp.

#165. 14th.

14 号当然就会特别想你 :) 不知不觉已经半年了.

有人问我哪里可以喜欢那么久的 

你问我我又可以问谁哦 :)

存在电话里的那张照片删了几百次还是忍不住留下来 因为backup 在电脑所以一直 transfer 都没有问题 哈哈哈哈 IMYSM!!

#164. Easter Sunday.

Happy Easter! So guilty for not going to church. It's a day worth celebrating.

Anywhooo, 我会记得某人会在这里出现! 所以敏感问题还是用华文比较好 阿哈哈 :)

What I'm expecting this month:
i) Little backpack
ii) Birkenstock
iii) New wallet
iv) iPad 3 hiakhiakhiak!

(i) I can get it for free using my Roxy voucher :D
(ii) my b'day present for myself, saving up kachingssss!
(iii) depends on my mom's generosity :DDD Fossil one not bad! Come, buy me Fossil! Or more expensive one also I don't mind ngehehehehehehehe!
(iv) if she doesn't break her promise! BUT WHY HAVEN'T COME OUT IN MALAYSIA ONE :(

Cheh actually I'm not desperate for iPad lar! Just listing out just to remind myself that it's my birth month! Wooohoooo! Actually hor I don't really need it also. Do I?

#163. 옥탑방 왕세자.

Usually if you ask me what's my personal favorite Korean drama I could only give you a list cuz I can't make up my mind on which is the best.. But now, I can tell you. ROOFTOP PRINCE!

Hahaha seriously it's like the best one ever :)) not even one second of it is boring lor. Salute the director/script writer! The plot is super awesome hahaha about this prince time traveled to the future. I know 穿越时空 is common esp in HK dramas but this one damn interesting because there is someone in the future who looks exactly like him, something like his 转世/doppelganger. And there is a bitch in every drama as usual and the bitch in this is super bitchy walao wanna slap her kaokao but usually level of bitchiness of bitch = level of awesomeness of drama soooo yeah hahahahaha.

This drama makes me laugh harder than watching Running Man so you can imagine how funny it is hor. Haha.

Some more Micky Yoo Chun is the main actor leh! He was like my first k-pop bf ahahahaha ;) 

with Han Ji Min they make an awesome couple! Niceyyy!

Guys from 300 hundred years before come to the future hahahaha funny die.

And this little guy is super cutehhhhhhhhhh like seriously. Wooooooo.

Don't believe me? 

NAHHHH CUTE OR NOT CUTE OR NOT.

CUTE RIGHT.

He looks like Henryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy <3

OK LAH enough of spazzing hahaha. But seriously lor, am watching 3 or 4 other dramas at the same time but others don't make me ganjiong every week also! 

Erm except for Love Rain lah maybe. Cuz it involves love story of 2 generations and the parents' part just ended only. I think the kids' part will be super nice lah (I hope) but somehow I know it wouldn't change my perception that Rooftop Prince is the best drama everrrrrr hahahah kbye.

#162. Thunder.

Can't tell whether it's because of the thunderstorm, or is it because of too many LA questions in my head. Or is it even because of the caramel frap. But caramel doesn't contain caffeine, does it? Or is there any coffee mixed in it too? Anyway, the point is, I'm wide awake at 4 o' clock in the morning.

Seriously need to readjust my biological clock but it seems to be impossible for now, since all my classes are after 12pm after all the lab sessions are over. =/


Or is it because of you. I tell everyone I'm over you, well everyone, except M. Gave him the impression that I'm still madly in love with you. But I guess what I used as an excuse to reject him is actually true. I am not over you :( Don't know what's so great in you that it's so hard to let go.

Truth is, you don't even care about me. Why bother liking someone who doesn't like me back. But you see, there is always such a cycle. A likes you, you like B, B likes someone else.

Out of sight, out of mind? I hope it works. When I don't see you after sem break starts, maybe you will be gone from my heart forever. :)

When can I ever have the courage to delete and destroy our only pic together?



BTW, Thunder is such a cute name. For cute people like Thunder. x) WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

#161. R.I.P

感觉我在这几年里面失去了很多亲人 :(

Imagine you're old and lonely after losing your partner for not even a year, one day your kids come in a crowd and tell you you've lost a son. Can you imagine the shock? Mom told me my grandma cried non-stop until she almost passed out. Don't know whether I should feel relieved to avoid such a situation, because I know I would definitely cry a river if I were there. But at the same time, I wanna be there so badly for my grandma. :(

The funeral is tomorrow. They say the kids who are having test this week don't need to attend so they don't want me and a few other cousins to go back. But I feel guilty. That is my uncle, you know. We share the same blood eventhough he's from my mother's side. :(

I only meet him about once or twice every year but there is no awkwardness in between. I was mad at him a few times because he told me I'm fat :( if I could choose again I would laugh with him about it. How much time have I lost on being angry and ignoring him :( Now, I would never see him again.

I have imagined my grandparents dying, but definitely not my uncles and aunties. It is still a huge blow to me, for one second I chose to believe that it was an April Fool's prank. Who would have expected somebody so young to leave the world so early? He was definitely my mother's favorite brother. And my late grandpa's closest son. He was also the son who cares most about my grandma, and the family.

白头人送黑头人. We see this so much in movies and dramas, and now it's happening in my family. Can you even imagine such pain? I just hope that my grandma will be able to stay strong and get through this. Seriously, every other Lee siblings should. Losing 2 loved ones in such a short interval of time is hurtful. Damn. I don't want anything bad to happen to any one of them too :(

AH DI KAOFU. REST IN PEACE. May Buddha(?) be with you. You will not be forgotten.

p/s: I don't even have a pic to remember him with. :( R.I.P 

#160. 짝사랑.

自己怀疑了很久的事情 原来确定了是那么的恐怖 想不尴尬是不可能的
把自己放进别人的鞋子里面想 就会发现 其实单恋很简单
对方不喜欢你就是不喜欢 你又能怎样呢

一直去追求高尚的东西 有没有注意到其实身旁有更好的呢

#159. The end.

It didn't get up to 6 months. I'm officially giving up.

I still feel it strong in my heart, but I don't want to hurt myself any further.

2.08am. I hope it's not just an impulse. I don't want to regret my decision when I see you tomorrow.

Should've believed it from the start that we're from different worlds.

Ily. But it has got to stop now.

#158. Block B.

Lol they look super lala in my opinion and this dance reminds me of some kind of gorilla but I'm crazily in love with this song. It is super catchy seriously lol.

 None of them is even hot hahaha. Just saja wanna share this song heeee cuz I can't stop spamming. Weird songs like this is totally not my style BUT seriously, nalinalinalina!

Okay lar maybe 1 of them is kinda cute. Or maybe 2. Wahaha.

#157. Screwed.

A POST PROUDLY RECOMMENDED TO ALL GIRLS.

Lessons learnt for the day 3.3.2012:

i) Shopping malls are one of the most sinful places in the world.

ii) DO NOT go to shopping malls without company of a guy/guys because no one could distract you from the shops/clothes/everything.

iii) DO NOT go to shopping malls after you have tahan-ed your urge to shop for a long time because you might let it all out and it could be disastrous.

iv) DO NOT buy everything that you need at one go, clear your shopping list from time to time.

v) DO NOT use debit cards/credit cards to pay for your expenses because it all happened in one blink and you don't even notice your money going.

vi) DO NOT receive huge and I mean SUPER BIGASS from shops (eg. Cotton On) because you might use it as a huge carrier bag and don't even realize how many other bags that you dump in.

vii) DO NOT get attracted by words like SALES or 50% OFF because those are all lies and illusion.

viii) DO NOT calculate your total expenses only after you reach home, this should be done mentally all the time while you shop.

ix) ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY OVERSPEND LIKE I DO.

Great, gonna eat grass for at least 2 weeks. T____T
Totally overwhelmed with guilt. Die.

x) NEVER SAY NO TO ZARA. HELLO!

#156.

Sorry, I'm totally blind I don't see anything else.
My eyes and ears and brain professionally work on their own now filtering what to take in hmmm and
yes, I believe what I saw or at least that's what I thought I saw.

I want the truth in a better form. I can't just stop when I'm still full of doubts.

Haiz. Two weeks feels like forever.
It's Feb 29 so Happy Confession Day. If only I get a second shot.

Lies with good intention are still lies.

#155. Tears.

每天靠着眼泪来睡着 已经过了一个礼拜 这个症状根本没有停过

一边哭一边看戏 也不知道那些 scene 真的有没有酱 sad?

jojo emo 的时候就一直睡觉 可是我的身体明明很累却不肯 shut down 真的很无奈

在这样下去 我会不会干掉还是累死掉?

ineedyounow

#154. Reasons.

付出真心却得不到回报? I don't like such emo statements that I see everywhere.

Nobody can get WHATEVER they want, and I believe God has His own reasons when He doesn't give you something.

I don't blame anyone, I don't blame you. We're just not meant to be!

But how long do I need to recover? Only time can tell..

No matter how hard I try to sleep it off, it just doesn't work.

I'm cool, we're cool. Everything's cool. Nothing has changed.

#153. 爱错.

The second time I'm experiencing this. The zombie life. Sleeping and eating are always the best combo but now I can't enjoy either. I want to eat properly, I want to sleep properly. But I can't. I have no appetite even when I'm hungry, and I don't feel tired after a long day. I don't even need afternoon naps. I keep feeling the need to keep myself occupied, and I feel that I don't have enough time for everything. The emptiness doesn't go away, none of my laughs even feels real anymore.

The last time this happened, it was 2007, after the first breakup. I guess this is the feeling of a real heartbreak. But this time it's not even a breakup. I don't know how I fell so deep cuz the feelings have always been only one-sided. :( Hate it when I want to avoid you so much, you just appear everywhere. It's like, I can't even get out of my room anymore. And it really sucks that I still care about what you think of me. Do you actually feel sorry for me?

This is totally wrong, I know. You probably don't give a damn. :( They're convinced that you have someone else, but I don't wanna know. Just give me time to get better. But seriously, I miss you like shit. Can we go swimming together again? And I miss January 14, the most. T____T

I should stop crying while watching dramas.

#152. Happy Valentines.

So I lied to myself and lied to everyone. If I really haven't been expecting anything at all, I wouldn't have cried so hard just now.

I really feel like shit. Not that I've been rejected but still I felt like it's the end of the world. Forget about my self-esteem, I felt my heart ripped into pieces. Worse, I chose for it to happen myself.

I convinced myself that whatever outcome it would be, I'll take it with a big smile and would not regret because at least I tried. I thought I did. But seriously? What kind of shit is that. I never felt such regret in my life. Foook. Why couldn't I just keep everything to myself. At least I could live in denial or whatever shit, I don't care, at least I would not hurt myself like this.

Having faith in yourself and everything else? That is bullshit. I've had enough. This stupid phrase is going to be gone from my dictionary. If I ever see it again I guess my brain will automatically translate it into "be prepared to get hurt because it's gonna let you down." Yay. =.=

So our beautiful memories only stopped on the first 14th. Wait, there's not even a "we" here. Because it's always just me. Why, thanks.

Fookthisshit. Fookmylife. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to get out of this room. Bye.

#151. Oh darling.

Grats. Just when I thought everything was going so well, I'm back to my procrastinating self.

My weekend is almost gone but I haven't done anything productive. Managed to touch a few LA tutorial questions, and that's it. Not to mention that I played countless rounds of Tetris, watched lots of eps of dramas, series, and even one movie.

I hope the reason behind all these is because I'm still sick. After all the heat from the weather and food in Penang and Langkawi. :(
Mmmm. Insomnia last night. Damn emo cuz my first chocolate making attempt failed. :*(
Pekmu, I need your help!!

2 more days. Still considering. Should I or should I not?

Argh I need to shit. Mmmm I need to study. Wait, I need to sleep. But, laundry!!
I'm always running out of time. Why am I always failing myself. Grrrrrrr.

Woooots. On a brighter note, I'm getting Gingerbread soon. Finally I figured out the way to upgrade my stupid phone. Say goodbye to noob Froyo!

#150. IV.

When I see you being so dedicated it just makes me wanna improve myself to be a better person. I get mad at myself when I happen to waste my time doing unnecessary stuff. There are many more meaningful things to be done to cover those slots.

So far I'm satisfied. I make sure I complete my homework and am now attempting to build up a daily swimming habit. :) Thanks to you, the determination is still there.

But that doesn't mean I don't have time for friends and kpop. I just don't procrastinate as much as before. :)


What I know is, when you like someone for more than 4 months then it's not just a simple crush. I'm getting there, in like a week.

V'day's coming. Would it be different this year? Just gotta convince myself to take the initiative to do something more than what my ego allows me to.

At least some day in the future, I will not regret for not even trying.

#149. Time.

Just exactly one week ago, I couldn't sleep because I was too excited. And also worried, cuz I didn't want to screw it up. The first official date. At least to me.

Then everything went so well, I thought things could finally be different between us.
But I guess I was wrong, cuz we're like, back to the point, as if nothing ever happened at all.

Or is it just me, for expecting too much.
I don't feel like this for no reason okay. And the bad thing is, I just realized I only have like 3 more months.
3 months to make things right. 3 months to make things work.

But is it possible? I need time. Give me time. Please.
No, I just need a chance.

How I wish I've known you earlier.

And hey, this is amazing. :*)

#148. B.

You blogged! Haha. Have a feeling that I'm the only one who reads your blog, and I didn't follow you cuz I might end up in the followers' column and you might discover mine :P it's kinda fun to open up the page randomly and see a new update. Hahaha.

Heard there are rumors already. Whatever it is, I hope it's not something bad.

Calculus III presentation tomorrow, on the freaking second week of school. Great.
Wish me luck, I'm so nervous, partly because you're gonna be there. Hope I don't do anything to screw it up.

Now I can't sleep. I think I'm not prepared lor. How?

And the girls around me lately are all super crazy like me. Excluding family time, girly talks with real girls ONLY are damn good. :*) thanks darlings.

Hmmm actually this post kinda pointless. Sorry la har. Kthxbai.

#147. 14012012.

One of my best days. Foot is swollen again from walking too much, but it's all worth it.

Thanks for trusting my choice. At least now you have something to remind yourself of me. :*)

So glad that I wasn't the only one talking too much. So glad that I didn't need to try very hard to keep the conversation going, to clear off the awkwardness. The distance is no longer there.

Everything just felt so right. The laughter, the sharing moments.

But I still don't know what you're thinking. As much as I'm trying to convince myself not to expect anything more than this, it's my wish, for something a lil different to happen on the next 14th. :*)

Can't wait for you to wear the shoes. ♡ ♥ ♡

#146. :((((

Get so freaking annoyed by just the smallest stuff around lately, and I have no idea why.

Maybe it's because of my right foot. The pain that never goes away is super frustrating.

Or what. I don't know. Sorry if I've been a bitch.

Ignorance is bliss? YES. But not to the people around who knows everything and has to shut up. Because we care.

It's killing me inside. To hide something so huge for so long.

And seeing you so deluded by something you think is real. It's killing me more.

But I can't tell. I can't risk.. Umm okay don't exactly know what I have to risk but I know I'm going to lose something if i do.

Shit, I'm making no sense here right now. HELP ME.

Just let me curl up, get emo and die.



One of the best covers, like ever.
How the hell can it sound so good? Power of love?

#145. 민우 ♡

I think I'm slowly becoming a pedophile since I'm getting older and older and new boybands just keep debuting  :|

Anyway, recently I'm addicted to this song by Boyfriend. Their older songs were just okay okay but this one gets stuck in my head like all the time now :D





Someone told me once that one of the members is super good-looking but I tak perasan until I keep spamming this song. Hee and I just found some Minwoo pics so I must share. *fangirl screams*

Kyaaa >.< ♡♡♡ so cute right?

The worst part is, he's born in 1995. Which makes him only 17?
*cries* I feel so old now.

Jojo Rui, come I intro you a song, I know you miss kpop :P

 

#144. First of the last.

It's all happening in our heads isn't it? People tend to choose what they want to believe, and it's usually not the truth. Because we're all born to live in denial :*( do you agree?

Thanks for making my day. Even if you purposely wanna make fun of my feelings, it's okay. It's my last semester here, and all I want is to live everyday to the fullest and leave here with good memories. And no regrets. You shouldn't be the reason for me to be emo. Eeeeee.

I fell hard and I couldn't get out. It's gonna be 4 months by the end of Jan. :*)

But seriously something still keeps telling me that you're just dumb. Can't wait for classes with you, wooo!

#143. 2012.

When people say something is epic, it doesn't mean it must be good.

Just had/having the most epic New Year's Day ever.

Staying at home on NYE was nothing, but realizing that it was already 2012 30mins after 12 was.. Weird. Sent him a text. Took a wrong step a lil after that and sprained the right foot. Just heard a super loud crack and next thing I know, I was down on the floor unable to get up and walk.

Cried like shit when mom helped to support my body around while I got ready to sleep. Slept at about 1am? On NYD? EPIC.

Woke up in the morning and saw the reply with only 2 words. :*( Luckily I could walk. A little.

Went for METAL HIT (Lol Mr.Chan spreaded his epic lameness to me!) and came back home to watch Doraemon (I've got the whole collection now!) and fell asleep.

Then I slept half of my day away. EPIC?

One thing I know.. I'm going to grow up remembering 1.1.2012. If the world doesn't end.

FOREVER ALONE.