#142. Beijing.

One word. Freezing. It got up to -10 degree Celcius almost everyday. Wore at least 4 layers that's why everyone look round and fat lol but still no enough. Luckily it's just 8 days or I would die. Wondering how to survive in the States. Don't ask me yet.

The cold and dry weather is kinda good though, in the sense that we don't sweat at all (actually don't need to shower but I still did lol) cuz my bangs doesn't stop getting oily though lol. Skin condition was damn good cuz my pimples dried up haha and I get healthy blush everyday. Nah show you my retarded and fat face lol it is totally a candid shot. Hideous bright pink coat haha I have loads other nicer colors now :D

Since Beijing is a city so there are not much sceneries to see. Mostly historical buildings like Forbidden City and Great Wall woooots hmmmm kinda boring but still not bad lah. Lots of stories to hear especially bout Dowager Ci Xi. And since my tour group is English speaking one then I hear China English everyday until gila edi lol. Food was not bad, but luckily didn't gain weight (I think).

Ermmmm everything was basically very good la everyone was very happy except the fact that the time for shopping was too short. :( winter clothings are super cheap. Mom made me buy 3 new winter coats to bring to US lol they actually just cost about RM100 each and damn pretty one. Didn't see many souvenir shops this time, even if there is one, the stuff were usually too ugly or too expensive so I didn't get to buy any :3

Got myself a pair of Nike kicks! Will try to Google a pic of it later but now I'll show a top view of it first lol actually nothing much can be seen la. Hmmmm it actually cost me almost 1k RMB. As much as I'm trying not to feel to0 guilty bout it, I'll convince myself not to buy any new shoes before going to US lol.

Okay lar don't really feel like blogging now edi. Still thinking whether to make new year resolutions cuz they are almost the same every year anyway. I'm such a failing shit.

#141. Where are you trouble maker.

Never had a dream that felt so real. Didn't wanna wake up. Not even a bit.

People appear in your dream because they miss you. Heard this trillion of times, but I doubt it.

Obviously it's the other way round, because I think of you too much.

Why must it be a fooking dream gotdammit.

I miss you like shit.

#140. To my bitch.

Thought I wouldn't feel any strong emotions about you leaving but guess I was wrong.
When you gave me a long goodbye hug the thought that I wouldn't see you in the next 5 months struck me, and I felt a sudden rush of tears (not literally hahahaha).

Never knew you were so important. I'm gonna miss you so much my gym buddy, my best friend.
Gonna feel weird not seeing you everyday and not getting your texts D; And you have always been there.
When I told you you're irreplaceable, I really mean it so believe it. Grrrr. <3

We only met bout half a year ago but I felt like I've known you since forever.
Awwww. Take care darling boy! <3

But I gotta admit that your departure is gonna leave 2 broken hearts D;

#139. Green dot.

The first thing I do everytime I sign in to Facebook is to see whether the green dot is there.

What a habit. I have a stong urge to click it once it lights up. But I always hesitate.

And when it's gone, I regret.

But it almost doesn't happen at all.

#138. Finals?

It always has to be the same. I thought I was prepared but I still ended up screwing up.
Hmmmm. Finals always kill me and my confidence D;

Had my first paper this morning. Only slept for 3 hours. Thought I could easily bag an A this time since I actually got 54+ for my coursework. But after 2 hours of struggle in the exam hall, I'm not sure anymore.

Foooook. Spoiled my mood to the max :*(
Scared already lor! Music still okay lar, but still got DE History and Microecons and all of the are hanging by the border line!

Every semester I've been trying so hard to pull up my CGPA but in the end, FAILLLLLLL!

And I hate to sleep now. Wait, let me rephrase, I love to sleep but I hate the feeling of having to wake up to this emptiness everytime. Like I've lost something which I don't know what :*( Hate it.

Okay better go study like shit now before I regret and die :/

#137. Last week.

It's Saturday afternoon. 2 more days to finals, one more week in INTI. For this semester lah.

This semester seems to be the most productive one. The one that I've worked for the hardest. Yes, no joke.

Not to forget that I grew up so much. And I got so fed up by gossips. Can't figure out how people like to bother other people's business so much when they're not that great themselves. Come on la, reflect yourself before you could even talk bad about people, and spreading untrue rumors about others. It' so immature. Stop being drama queens okay. And kings too, sometimes.

None of these people are directly related to me but still. They annoy the shit out of me. I learned not to comment and involve myself in things so much. Cuz whatever you say will actually cost you so much when people get evil and decide to twist your words and tell the third party a different story.




And then I met you. But I still can't do pick up lines.
Maybe cuz I'm just a girl C:
But who says girls can't woo guys?

#136. Karma.

12点就爬起来了 这样很不像我
根本没有继续想睡下去的念头 虽然还没有照镜子 很确定我已经变金鱼了
以为睡一觉就会没事 可是真的不行呢

可是想一想 又不知道自己在伤心什么
小弟弟问我 为什么你可以那么喜欢那个人
人家对你那么冷淡 你们又没有暧昧
我答不出来

我开心的时候就很想吃
伤心的时候更想吃
可是伤到一种阶段的时候 根本连吃都不想去吃 不懂要做莫

还是觉得被潘了几巴





我没有跟你告白 所以你也不能拒绝我

#135. Happy birthday.

哭有什么用 那个人在睡觉
哈哈 我觉得自己在发神经 心情一下子好一下子坏
只因为一个人 可是又不知道是为了什么

想做的都做了 结果会怎样就算了吧 只要以后不后悔
反正就算你不说我自己也心知肚明

emo 完后 现在清楚明白什么最重要 下个礼拜我要很厉害!

sorry 不知不觉就用华文料 不可以笑, 全部人 :*) 晚安



you are still my trouble maker.

#134. Hitler vs. Truman.

Yesterday my team lost and today I made sure your team didn't :P

Yes, my vote made a huge difference. Hahaha. Can't believe that Hitler is so much more evil than Truman but we still failed in prosecuting him yesterday. And today is actually the third mistrial of the semester. We were the only team in defeat! Embarrassing max. D; and I have a feeling that it was the most boring trial in history!

So glad I did not break my promise. I got an unexpected (gift).

You are my trouble maker ;]

#133. X'mas.

Someone told me I'm chubby. ;D I know there's no reason to be happy cuz chubby is always the best word replacement when people are too nice to not call you fat. But this person calls me fat 9 out of 10 times so it's a big deal to me when he said I'm JUST chubby and not fat. Woohooo.

Stupid. I know I'm fat okay. No more Milo for me since YK papa told me I'm consuming too much energy a.k.a calories from my daily cup of Milo before sleep. Another experiment! :*) I don't want my freaking dream to come true omgwtfbbqmtfkccb.

I found what I want for Christmas! A Rilakumma furry pencil case or a Rilakkuma 2012 planner! All these can be found from Kinokuniya *winkwinkwink* *hinthinthint*

Even if I don't get it, Santa Claus, I'm not greedy I just want 48kg! Yesssss thankyou. ;D

Fat Chubby me. ;D

Don't worry, you are still my target. <3

#132. December.

Didn't realize it was the last first day of the month of the year until now. But it's already way past 12am :(

Maybe it's too early to review 2011 cuz the only thing on my mind right now is just finals finals finals! Not even two weeks away. Have to constantly remind myself that I can't slack cuz there's no freaking study week this time! Grrrrr.. And we have History trial to worry about too! D;

I'm really super spoilt that's why I'm mad at Ztao mama but I don't freaking care. He was super mean to me :'(

Time of the month always comes at the right time so I don't have to suffer during my exams! :*)

It feels like forever since I last talked to you.

#131. Phew.

Thought I screwed up my DE Test 2 as well but I did not, unexpectedly did quite well and manage to pull up my coursework cuz I lost too much in Test 1 lol. Today I'm so so so so so freaking happy I can die. Don't have to fail DE alrdy lolololololol :D

See, I told you it pays off when you put your heart into something :D

女人漂不漂亮是靠自己的 因为这个世界上没有丑女人 只有懒女人!

Trust it and go by this principle before you die of regret. Hahahaha.

#130. Aura.

The most easily widespread aura in this world : EMO-ness.

Damn. I feel stupid when I'm the only one being/eventually acting hyper -.- I know sometimes people can't help it but SMILE! It's not trying to run away, it makes yourself feel better at least?

Coffee doesn't help at all actually. When you're emo, what you need is ice-cream. Maybe a whole tub!

Mr. Happy. Please help me spread your happy aura around lol.

Who cares whether it's one-sided or not, there's no reason to feel emo cuz I know I don't like you for no reason :)
It's always been the same anyway.

#129. 感触.

Mom: 我知道你长大了不需要我管你 但是长大了就要成熟 每一方面都要 不要这边成熟 那边又幼稚 不然我还是一样会担心.

很有道理 可是我自己承认自己很多方面都还很不成熟 问题不知道要怎样去处理. 

最重要是 EQ 永远都那么低 怎么办?

看到两个人明明喜欢对方但是因为距离问题不能在一起 在加上他们两个都是我很好的朋友 我很心痛 就这样哭了 抱着一起哭 是一种安慰 还是让伤口严重 我真的不懂.

发神经 如果这篇用英文 我表达不出那种 feel!

自己就是一个小点 只要周围的人开心 我就可以很开心 我也想成为你们快乐的原因!

Mom: 不要每次让小事影响你的情绪! 

我的问题其实每次真的都很小 跟别人比起来 真的不算得上是什么. 

不要要求那么多. 遇到挫折勇敢面对. 就可以活的很满足. 很充实. 很好很好.

我很想帮你们解决可是我不知道怎样才可以做到? 

今天大哭了两次. 明天会不会变金鱼? 

#128. Thoughts.

每天想一堆但是不懂自己在想什么 想了又不知道到底我想要的是什么.

I know people shouldn't expect because good things always happen out of our expectations? As in 顺其自然 I think? Lol.

But 其实很矛盾 because 不努力哪里会得到你想要的东西 but 努力到 despo 的 level 又会得不到 lol.

Sien. I don't like to think. I feel very old. *v*
So bitch, 你也表想酱多蛤 :D

I think work hard, play hard is the best. Back to my old words of wisdom: When in doubt, nom some cake. Secret Recipe, anyone?

Sooooo hungry! And tomorrow I must start going to gym again.

发神经 with OK Cat, I like! 

#127. Parental control.

Can have extreme explanations depends on how you look at it. Either you think your parents are control freaks or they care too much. Most of the times I tend to think the first but deep in my heart I know it's because of the latter. The only thing I could do is to take care of myself properly so that they have no reason to feel worried about me. Okay maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. O:)

2 of my best friends have feelings for each other, the whole world knows except two of them, maybe they're just avoiding the topic cuz one is leaving and the other is still confused? Hmmm.

Right person wrong timing 也不行啊. :3

很久没有大哭．烦完料 trial 就要烦 finals 料. I don't want to get my DE paper back. D;

This is a must!

#126. Another emo night.

I know I have to sleep early every night if I want my skin to be good and look pretty again but it just seems so impossible to do so. :3 犯贱 to the maximum. Pardon my bilingual-ness, I told some bitch that I'll never ever blog fully in Chinese anymore since she makes fun of me everytime I do so. Grrr.. :P

Having a crush on someone is so hard. 9 out of 10 times, you have no idea what the other person is thinking. Got so tired of anticipating and guessing. Having one-sided feelings sucks big time :'(

Everything seemed better when you focus mainly on being a fangirl. I miss those times when I used to be a crazy one, stalking no one but my boys. Spending the day spazzing and fantasizing. At least you don't get hurt that way. But I guess it's what only little girls do. Can't be as gila as last time now.

Stupid insomnia. I need to stop being nocturnal. Finals is exactly two weeks away. Dammmit.

Hahaha Taec I would rather love you :D

#125. Taec is awesome :D

Hahahaha I know I'm not supposed to be biased but it's like the best blog title for now :D

Blogged for TVXQ and SJ concert so 2PM also need to blog a bit lah although I feel freaking exhausted now lol.

Hmmm gotta say that it's quite disappointing compared to SS2. Cuz the seating plan sucks. Only people at the rock pitt get to have interaction with the boys.

Can you imagine paying almost 500 bucks to have zero interaction, zero eye contact with the boys, and super faraway distance from the stage? Damn. If the main stage I can understand lah, but extended stage also like shit. Surrounded by rock pitt fans only. Walao. And damn sardiny (what a cool word hahaha) inside there. And for short people like me it's impossible to enjoy la that's why I got numbered seats. But why so shitty D; and SS2 was damn fun cuz just beside extended stage and we get to throw presents up some more! And this time, the moving recording camera was just in front of us and keep blocking our view! Fooooook!

Pics can be gotten from my facebook. But they don't seem to be uploading yet. Grrrrr. Can't imagine what kind of thing I would get if I were still using my old camera. Using Nex-3 also the boys look super tiny D; haiz. They actually look super good-looking in real life. Not fake one seriously! Leng dou bao!

And the program flow also not as interesting as SS2. But still got funny and cute elements lah :D not only super hot. Hahahaha but 2PM are really buff and huge especially Taec wooots ;D he stands out among the boys cuz he is super tall. Woohoo! And his arms damn huge lah.

Highlights of the night: (though I'm not involved dammmit) Taec jumped down from the extended stage and I think he shook someone's hand or something. Although they were separated from bars but still!! Then Chansung took someone's Instax, took a pic of himself then gave it back to the lucky fan. ARGH! Khun threw his wet towel to the crowd. ARGH ARGH!

AND LASTLY. THIS IS WHAT EXCITED ME MOST BUT WHAT THE HELL OF COURSE I'M NOT THAT LUCKY. Chansung took off his tanktop, turned around, and threw it to the crowd. WTFBBQ. I don't know which lucky fan got that. DAMMMMMN. If I ever get that thing, I don't care whether it will stink my room or grow mushrooms or rot or whatever, I'm never gonna wash it. But it's okay la, at least I get to see some abs! WOWWWWWW!

Grrrrrr. All our luck ended in SS2 when Shindong kept our letters and wore our shirt. D; Hahaha. I'm sure there were more fan interactions as the boys were very friendly. I wish I had a thousand pairs of eyes. And quite funny also, and their English is not bad esp Taec's! No doubt hahahaha love him more now since yesterday, he's like an all-rounder! <3 go Taec!

Should feel contented ma. Can't deny that I really had one hell of a night la. And I should feel thankful also since it's 2 days after Thanksgiving (lol lame) thanks mom for sponsoring us the tickets!

Hahaha I shall end this post with the amazing person who won this blog title, and also all my love.

OK TAEC YEON! You are the man :D

#124. Spoilt brat.

Used to keep everything only at home but I'm so into the new family thing that I act totally like my real self when they are around.

Sorry for always being demanding and super whiny my family. Esp papa mama koko and jiejie. Hihihihi. Thanks for never being mad at my requests and always fulfilling my needs :P

Hahaha. Love you guys like crazy. <3

And you. Thanks for giving me a million reasons to smile when everything feels like shit. :D

#123. 夜深人静.

就是在这种大半夜的时候会特别有感触

怎么会在六年后给我遇到那么像你的人

越冷酷就越难接近
越难接近就越想了解

可是 那道墙 我翻不过去

以前这样傻傻的五年后还是喜欢 不知道是为了什么

现在我也一样看不出什么东西来

#122. Inspiration.

Pardon my random-ness, I know that I'm supposed to be sleeping right now and wake up early to revise History but I just had this urge to update my blog haha.

Someone inspired me. Then I inspired myself. *v*
Anything can be achieved once we set our minds on it. Like when History's a piece of shit and when you are really motivated to study everything just gets into your head with the right flow.

It's actually not that hard to read 100 pages or more in one night.

Life's full of constant challenges. And having 4 tests in the same week is a biggggg one :D
WOOOHOOOOO! \hn/ yes you heard me.

I feel like a supergirl hihihihihi :D keep on inspiring will ya. <3

#121. Haiyo.

6.15am. Still awake. Late night movie after Starbucks seems to be our weekend routine now.

Fell asleep during the movie just now though. Don't remember the movie title. Some Korean sentimental stuff without pretty boys. At all. Not my type of movie. Sad.

Maybe that explains why I'm so charged up with energy now. Power nap rocks. Don't even want to imagine what time I'm gonna wake up tomorrow morningafternoon. I feel like I'm already adapting to America timezone. And I'm not even there yet. Pfffft.

Wasting time like nobody's business and WITHOUT GUILT when I'm having 4 freaking tests next week. How come my determination just doesn't last. Thought I was stronger than this D; Same thing happens when I do realize I need to lose weight badly but I still eat and eat and eat. I CAN'T STOP GETTING HUNGRY OH DAMMMIT.

颓废. The perfect choice of words of how I'm feeling right now. Nothing in English can replace it with a strong impact :D

Been spending so much time with Rocker Family that I've become so attached to them. Feel so empty when we don't hang out for even one day. Hey, now you know Starbucks outing wasn't without any reason :P

Today my blogging style is weird. Don't you think? It sounds like an entry direct translated from Chinese. Hmmm but I know if I were to attempt blogging in Chinese, it will sound ten times weirder. So forget it. I'm a pure cina with banana-ish pattern but I'm no banana woooohooo.

Eh. Laosai twice already. Lactose intolerance? Milk in white chocolate? Yer then I can't drink cranberry anymore yer D;

Wei your birthday coming wor want to give present or not leh.

#120. Gaga!

One of my classmates did a topic on Lady Gaga for music presentation this morning. And I gotta say that it inspired me. Then this afternoon, I was watching Glee, and it was an episode on Lady Gaga too. Coincidence much? I guess not.

It just hit me that. Whether we want to admit it or not, Lady Gaga has become a big part of our lives. All her songs became hits, we listen to her songs everywhere, we sing them everywhere! Who cares if she's weird, she's freaking talented, damn. And her style became a trend!

Presenter: "People's responses to Lady Gaga could be extreme. Either you hate her, or you love her."

Needless to say, I would go for the latter!

Woooo, Gaga! Queen of Pop!

Two of my favorite songs below. Yeayyyyers!

#119. WTFBBQMTFKCCB.

I'm so angry.

Seriously. Does it hurt to even reply. A stupid lol or hahaha, good morning or good night, a simple smiley or whatever shit. Just reply can? It's not like it will cost you any cent, anything.

So mad at myself for being stupid. I know it's not gonna be easy since the beginning but you caught me off guard. All the time I spent waiting for JUST a reply. Is fooking stupid.

Still so angry. And come to think of it I'm just angry at myself and only me, definitely not you.

Damn. Wait. You don't even send smileys. Why did I expect you to send me one.
GRRRRRRR. Fook you. Fook myself. GO DAI!

#118. Jessica Jung.

Homai. I know I've said a million bad things about Jessica in the past but recently I find myself attracted to her. Badly. Seriously. Crazily. Homai. Pretty dai me O:)

Woah so pretty woahhh woaahhh I must be crazy cuz I actually google-ed lots of her pics and saved them omgggg. I think I'm turning bisexual. *v*

#117. Hey.

Like how I always feel bad for abandoning my blog, I'm back, at least for now :P

It's always fun taking some time off reading back the old posts and reminisce. Lol. Somehow you'll realize how much you've grown throughout the months and years. Last post was 3 months ago and so much has changed, seriously, so much. I should write more often.

Just a lil something to spice up this post. Say hello to Jinyoung! :) He's so cuteh isn't he? If nothing goes wrong I'm gonna see him in December! Yayyers;D

Hey, I also currently have another blog somewhere but it's not so public yet. Might occasionally extract stuff from there and post em over here. And I only said might, not like I'm active over there anyway. Hihihihi.

#116. HIAO. 10 SECRETS.

p/s: this post has been saved as draft for weeks already XD





reason : i WAS lifeless and this LOOKED fun!
probably not gonna do it on a daily basis though, so it will approximately take one month or more. or maybe i will just give up eventually. hahahaha.

10 SECRETS!

1. my secret ambition since childhood is to become an air-stewardess hahahaha. fly here fly there with smart uniform, look pretty, and all you have to do is to serve the passengers on board. so easy, and you can travel all around the world until you get up to middle age and probably end up marrying a handsome pilot, or air-steward also can! wooooots and maybe settle down in some exotic place and have beautiful kids lololol i can just dream cuz i probably wont meet up with the requirements unless im 160cm+ :'(

2. i love to imagine myself in the same situation whenever i watch dramas with sweet scenes. especially when the main characters are still students. its like, i can relate it more to myself hahaha. trust me, i dislike auntie auntie dramas (those that my mom likes) such as winter sonata etc. SO RIGHT. things like how the guy and girl used to fight, how one of them (usually the egoistic one) falls in love with another and he/she confesses and the other's like, i like you too, then they get together and become all lovey dovey and the egoistic one changes to a new person.. haha. SO SWEET CAN DIE! i tend to picture myself being the girl with another hot guy hahaha, dont tell me you never had such experience!

3. i secretly think justin bieber is cute. well, i wouldnt call myself a belieber but i certainly dont hate him at all! like most people out there do. just because he is famous, just because all the lil girls are crazy over him, people are jealous. his songs are pretty good, they are all very catchy, its not like he cant sing, right? change your point of view a lil and his voice's actually very special. "that should be me" is my personal favorite. its not his fault that he has a slow puberty right, what the hell. if you really want to put this blame on someone for making you think that he's gay that way, you could blame God instead but i dont see you doing that -___-

4. i think park minyoung is overrated. just in case you dunno who she is, she's that pretty girl from city hunter. who's totally hot now! as in famous. compared to sungkyungkwan scandal times, nobody talked bout her at all. not that im jealous, but she's really a good example of plastic surgery gone A WEE BIT wrong. if you look carefully both her nostrils are actually of different size and one side senget a bit. haha. and her double eyelids also surgery one. chehhh, not natural beauty also, why is the whole world overreacting at her leng-ness? and she's freaking dating lee minho now wtf lucky chick.

5. i've had more than 10 crushes. not that i really go and count but maybe its approaching 20. hahahahaha! some last for months, some are an on and off thing, some cant even last for a week. anywayyyyyyyy! "its called a crush because at the end of the day your heart gets crushed" dont think its a crush then people have no feelings you know. T_____T

6. only my first relationship was memorable and real. people say past lovers can still be friends either because they were never in love, or they are still in love. if you ask me, i dont agree on either. my point is, eventhough we fought and we did not talk for a year but we overcome all that. and we're still close. he's like my best friend now. :')

7. i learned that flings are not meant to be taken seriously. thats why its called a fling. remember that girls. i did once, and it broke my heart really hard. okay exaggerating. at least i cried my heart out because of that "relationship".

8. i tend to attract younger boys. like most of the times. make that a 90%. not that im being perasan or whatever shit. YOU THINK I LIKE IT? i want senior boys' attention too, but that stopped like when i was form 2 or something. since that time my "bees" consist of little boys who are usually emo (because they are childish) SHIT. i have a sad life you know. tell me why!

9. i used to think that stone cold guys are hot and attractive. those who dont talk much and seems to be very mysterious kind. FARK. BIG MISTAKE I TELL YOU. someone made me change that perception 99. now i think guys like that are totally unattractive and super lan yeng. wanna grab attention only, i know. get a life man askldjfbasdhghbfiabajgdsvfkgdvckgdvck okay sorry. im overreacting. CHILL. SO NOW, you want to woo me, make me laugh first.

10. we are still flirting. at least to me, it is flirting. no matter what it is/what its gonna be. i wont let you hurt me. :) <3

XOXO

#115. My grandpa.

Couldnt bring myself to talk at the church in front of the whole family during the service, even though i felt like i had million things to give praise to my wonderful grandfather. Mr.Yong was practically looking at my direction when he asked whether the grandchildren had anything to share, but i avoided his gaze, i felt that i still have no confidence in handling my low EQ. So, might as well blog bout it before i slowly grow up forgetting my grandpa.

Despite being barely educated, my grandpa always told the kids that education is important. He was never like those parents who couldnt wait to marry their daughters away so that they wont have to support their living anymore. Even myself, i grew up with my grandpa always concerning bout my studies, whether im getting good grades, whether im coping with the stress, and after i went to college, he was always one of the happiest to see me back home, and he always motivated me to study hard. I had always wanted to become a doctor when i was a kid, and he always jokingly said that he wanted me to be his personal doctor when i grow up. Thinking back, i feel kinda sad that i decided to change my future career :(

He always had been partially deaf, so its kinda hard to have conversations with him. The best way is to listen to him talking, and we just nod or shake our head in response. Even up until the age of 82, he had no sickness at all, he still drove everywhere, yumcha with his friends, 38 here 38 there, buy toto, sometimes fetch my cousins to tuitions, or sometimes just come over to my house to keng gai with my mom. My mom was kinda the closest kid to him, can imagine why she still cant accept his death until now :( feel kinda helpless when she suddenly cries..

Until during a medical checkup, there was some lil error, and my grandpa has bleeding under the skin which causes a skin infection. The infection spreaded on his arm, and eventually into the blood. The bacteria in the blood caused the organs to malfunction, and thats how he left us forever..

The last time i saw my grandpa was last sunday. He was still up and alive, though it hurt me to see him in tubes and everything. He couldnt attend the wedding on saturday. Everyone was worried, everyone else decided to delay their trips back home. I had to sit for my finals, so i had to leave. Even when i was back in inti, i couldnt really study as i was really worried. On monday night, my mom called me and told me there was no chance for my grandpa to be well again, he went into a coma. Its just a matter of time before he says goodbye.. I was really emo. I could not accept it. I couldnt stand being alone in the room, so i went out for a walk for almost an hour..

The initial plan was to stay in inti for a few days after my finals, so that i could go out have fun and stuff. But i decided to go back asap, so my mom said they would come and pick me up on thursday morning. On wednesday after my finals, my mom told me my grandpa was better already, he was no longer in a coma, and she told me that my aunt was going to go back to kuantan on friday, so she would come and pick me up. Okay, so i went to sunway with my friends on thursday and had a lot of fun. Then here comes. After i came back frm sunway, i decided to meet yk for the last time cuz i wouldnt be able to see him anymore before he flies off. Just after i arranged the meetup, my mom called me and told me the doctor said grandpa might not be able to make it pass that night, and told me that i had to follow my auntie back immediately.

Hastily met up with the guys, took some pics, packed in the speed of lightning, and hopped on uncle's car at 1am after hugging yk goodbye. Arrived Kuantan at 4.30, was half asleep by then, got dragged down the car to grandma's house. NOW I REGRET I DID NOT FOLLOW THEM TO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE MY GONG FOR THE LAST TIME !@#$$%%^&&** Tried to continue sleeping but i couldnt, stayed up til 7am, worrying as they said he was in a critical condition. KO-ed at last, and woke up at 11, took a shower, and after i came out, THE CALL CAME. HE HAS PASSED AWAY.

Felt numb at first, didnt know what to do, felt like everything was a joke, a dream. Until my other cousins arrived from KL. We exchanged glances, and there was no need to talk. Tears fell down our cheeks instantly, and we hugged each other crying. I felt that that was the worst day of my life. I lost something (someone) really really important. That evening, we went to church. When i saw the body, it was like all the remaining fluid in my body oozing out from my eyes. The first time i was crying so hard because of someone apart frm myself.

Burial ceremony was on sunday. We looked at his body for the last time. Still, so peaceful :'( When the car carrying the casket left the church, everyone followed and walked behind. The whole family was crying. We will never see him again...

I still miss you gong. I miss your voice, your laughter. We will take care of popo until the day she meets you in the house of God.

REST IN PEACE. Love you, forever and always.

#114. Farewell, soon enough.

My theory that I'll automatically get emo after 2am is true. =/

Even if I'm only flying off to US in like a year's time, I'm starting to dread the departure. To top this is the fact that my friends are leaving one by one.

I was pretty hyped up when I started AUP. Excited that I actually have a chance to study in US. But what now? I'm super reluctant to leave. I'm sure everyone feels the same way as me, okay, most of them, if they have a heart. =/

Maybe, we did not expect to develop strong friendships here in INTI.

:(

Important people leaving soon. Both to New Jersey. Why so farawayyyy:(

#113. Ottoke !

The road is getting bumpier and bumpier;

With hell lots of distractions by the roadside and with no companions walking with me;

Where shall I look at, whom shall I listen to?

Why do I feel so lost, so alone? Nothing really gives me the strength to do anything right now.

Lord God in Heaven, where are You? I don't feel Your presence.

Sorry, but nothing really makes me happy now anymore.

#112.一无是处.

Who am i? Why am i so normal? Why am i not good in anything? Why am i nobody's favorite?
I need friends, i crave for their attention, i dont wanna feel left out, i hate being alone.
But why is everything going against my way?
Do i have an attitude problem? Do i piss people off? Why does everyone seem to hate me?
To hang on to these friends, i choose to neglect my family. I betray their trust. Even my family doesnt like me. Why cant i have both? I dont understand. What did i do that God has to punish me this way?
I cant stand this week. Its been my worst. First someone whom i thought was my best friend left me without a reason. Second my laptop died on me. Third emo-ness drove me to be rebellious and i got caught watching a late night movie and was screwed til almost five in the morning. Fourth i dropped my bb cream and blusher on the bus. Fifth i forgot to off my car lights and the battery died and they had to help me jumpstart my car. Sixth i got screwed face to face cuz i wanted to sleepover with the gang even if i have a home with my family here.
All these are signs frm God. But the problem is what is it that i need to change? Are friends just my excuse to have more fun?
Cannot be. I swear i love them with all my heart. Same goes to my family. But why cant they just love me back??
And Heavenly Father. Cant You forgive me for whatever that i've sinned?
I hate my life right now. At this point i wish that i was never born and grown this big.
If i get to choose im willing to start all over again as a baby.
You dont think its true? Just a simple experiment will do. I've done this a several times. If i never start asking nobody would ever take the initiative to ask me out for lunch, dinner or any outings at all. Accuracy up to 90%.
Do i deserve to be looked down on? This is not just plain insecurity. Its something huge eating up my inside. I dunno how long some more that i can withstand all this pain.
Okay. Maybe im better off friendless.

#111. Friendship.

不过就是单纯的友谊 怎么还要质疑

全世界都一样 不管你做什么 都用同样的理由来解释 就是 "你喜欢他"

我没有在逃避 只是不想再被莫名其妙的话伤害自己

。。。

就这样慢慢疏远 我们以后不会再是什么特别要好的朋友

本来就应该知道 你的世界根本容不下我这种跟你不同等级的人

可能我到某个时候会发现 以后的关系会比现在这样好很多

。。。

我珍惜的两个朋友
这两天都轮流在我的伤口上撒盐
到底会怎么样了呢? 时间会告诉我
只要我做好自己...


其他其他的人 我知道你们也很爱我 谢谢你们
尤其是今天安慰我的那位
谢拉:]

#110. All in one shot.

warning : emo post ahead and i swear i have all the reasons to be emo. with them all combined together, its fatal T___T

firstly. im sick. down with flu and sore throat and slightly feverish. slept for 5 hours this afternoon after class but still not getting better. water keep flowing from my nose hahaha if u get what i mean. keep blowing my nose only. took some flu pills also. think im sleeping with koolfever tonight, to be on the safe side.. and i had no appetite for the whole day!! if you know me well you know how fast i get hungry everyday right. so its like.. super abnormal. the emptiness is there loh. its like you know its time to eat but you dont feel hungry at all. damn sad :'(

secondly. i've been feeling left out these few days. because she got new best friend already. hey im not jealous okay, i feel so happy for her. but then. it hurts when i feel like im not the top priority anymore. its like. im not the only plan anymore. not the only one she depends on anymore. made my hopes high when she's gonna bring me to meet the friends then made me fell face flat when she said the taxi only occupies 4 of them and not me. sorry, im a thinker. for the moment i felt like. maybe i dont belong to that circle also. so why bother getting in? then when i slowly cooled down i asked her whether she wants to come to kuantan with me? this weekend wants to go to kl? she didnt say no, i dunno why but the way she answered spells rejection. another huge blow landed. and now i dunno what will happen next..

thirdly. people's been kacau-ing me that i like him. i've been denying this for like months then the rumors and teasing stopped. until recently. i dunno who started the dumb thing again and this time its kinda serious. the way they brought up the topic during the 2 truths and 1 lie game last night was. urghh. you cannot imagine how i felt. its like all the guns at palma are pointing at me saying "just admit that you like him." greattt. and from the way i see it he kinda believes it also. which is kinda ridiculous cuz we've been close friends since forever. i havent seen him since the paiseh thing last night but i bet its gonna be awkward between us. greattt. im sure people's response to this will be "ur fault lah who ask you to be so close to him!" so okay lah.

fourthly. the a levels gang are finishing their exam next week so they are going to kuantan. on thursday. and now its kinda like the whole huge makan gang is going. and the problem is, i have class on friday thats why i cant follow the crowd on thursday. so i asked on our makan gang page whether anyone wants to follow me but, no response! the other day, i jio-ed people to makan but no one wanted to eat. so yesterday i kinda changed it to another way. i asked whether anyone wants to join me for dinner. same result. why lah make me feel like im the insignificant one? seriously. whats my problem?? :'( so now its either i dont go back next weekend at all, or i'll have to take plane. which adds more weight on my guilty conscience because i've spent enough money already!

i dont say anything, i dont show anything. but that doesnt mean i dont feel anything.
and if u happen to feel that my rants are unnecessary, just have to leave this page right now. thanksss.

i just need to get rid of this. insecurity problem. i wanna go home!

#109. 29/5/2011

my parents must be the best in the whole wide world. cant believe that i actually got both of my most desired gadgets on the same day.. even if i insisted i could wait/buy on my own,

as a belated birthday presents/motivation for me to study hard.

loving my itouch and hey, nex-3 baby is currently back in kuantan so nobody has seen it yet :p

ace this semester, and lose a few pounds. i can do this. i must. to repay everything :))
sorry for being a spoilt kid.

i love my parents. thanks daddy mummy. :)))

#108. 曾经的那个你.

因为你 我长大了很多

第一次看到你是在 psycho 班的时候 你还是金色蘑菇头 第一印象是觉得你很 lansi 因为你迟到进班一坐下来就按你的 ice-cream 因为跟我妹妹的电话一样我就更加注意 然后我就觉得男生用那一款很特别 哈 然后就是听他们说什么 潮男 酷男 宅男 gang 什么的就知道原来你就是那个传说中的潮男 哈哈

直到你换了那个新发型 还真的是狂放电 一开始没有发现你就是我的那个 psycho classmate 是看到你跟 99 在一起才确定是你 然后我就上 psycho 班上到很爽因为有帅哥看 哈哈哈 然后是不知道怎样 facebook chat 就有交际 有一次你在班上跟我笑的时候我就开始被 sot 到了

一开始是因为只是 small crush 然后又没有很熟所以没有怎样 第一次真正 hang out 是在 sushi king 发现你是一个很幽默的人 很有 feel 然后因为 fright dome, street party etc 慢慢变熟 一直都是我一个人静静在喜欢你 直到第一次 club 不小心揭穿秘密 很庆幸没有改变什么

在 kukup 的时候你跟我讲很多 那时候真的弄到我超级有 feel 对不起可能真的是我 perasan 如果时间可以转回去 我一定不会在 new years eve 傻傻跟你告白后被 reject 哈哈 有一次跟你 hang out 到早上 6 点 有点搞不清状况 我们到底是什么关系

你跟 yq 终于 official 我没有很惊讶 就觉得该来的始终会来 也没有哭 就觉得我喜欢你就好了 你不必喜欢我 又这样过着时间 直到第二次 club 发生的事 明明知道不应该这样可是 alcohol effect 真的很可怕 那次是我因为你 emo 到最够力的一次 不但自己生气自己 还要全世界来生气我

一开始以为没事 可是因为这件事受到的关注 你慢慢跟我保持距离 那道墙的出现 我很不喜欢 不是因为我对你还有什么特别感觉 就是因为我只把你当很好的朋友然后又这样 but maybe this is for the best 也不能怪任何人 我的生日你 send 给我的 msg 我很感动 谢谢

以后会怎样 我不知道
我每次开玩笑说 妈的这个人浪费了我两个 sem
其实我真的没有后悔过 曾经你对我那么重要
就是喜欢到我都不知道自己在做什么的喜欢 哈哈

真的 谢谢你让我长大 :)

#107. Rain.

taking a break ; the STA219 revision exercises almost strangled me to death. hoping that the final questions will be more or less the same. :)

still raining, after like 2 hours? mcd craving cant be fulfilled just yet. tomorrow is the last day before we head for war. btw i still owe this blog a birthday post, and some other personal thingys. will be updating during my sembreak, IF my blogging mojo is there.

ciao for now. its gonna be a long night.
buck up, everyone. do your best with no regrets.

can i ever be this thin? :)

#106. Finals babeh !

finalizing csc assignment to be handed in by 12pm tomorrow, current coursework mark is 36.1% with another 14% not given yet (suppose can get at least errr..11%?) and all i feel is S.T.R.E.S.S ! at least i didnt screw up my tests like the rest of the class did oooops.

with bio coursework mark of 50.85% and sta coursework mark of 50.38%, gotta work hard to make sure that i get A for both ://
quoting mr.yeap ex chem lecturer: "coursework as long as above 50 can easily get an A" wooots. but still must study 99.

as for calculus 2, coursework mark undetermined for the moment, but die die also must a.. B minus? at least? on the plus side i didnt drop it and have to retake :// anyway.

dreading finals. counting down to birthday. cant wait for sem break.

make full use of the study week or regret forever!

again quoting mr.yeap: "as long as you study hard you dont need to be scared. some more your bio is taught by mr.lim i think no problem" hahaha :)) everytime fb chat with him also damn funny one.

okay aza aza !

#105. 累.

"如果你有妹妹一半乖就好了"

什么意思现在? 我不懂要怎样做你的女儿. 不管怎样都还是不乖.

都几岁了还要在那边比较.

#104. Faith.

service at acts church was awesome today. apparently they dont have a church in nilai yet so the weekly service is held at one of the ballrooms at empress hotel. kinda cool actually. the pastor's name was.. sandra chin? i rmb her from revo kuantan 2009 i think. she was so funny. totally enjoyed the preaching. apart from the fact that it was freaking cold in there but samuel was there taking care of me (kind of, he kept asking whether im alright and tried to cover my arms with the goodie bags we got there hahaha such a gentleman but with a cute girlfriend for years thats too bad).

still dont like the idea of the praying in tongue and also the healing thingy at acts-based churches though. but one good thing is, they emphasize a lot of being semangat at both singing and preaching. they shout and scream and cheer a lot. of course it brings up the atmosphere unlike the normal ones we go to. (no mentioning bout holy spirit, just focus on the greatness of God just that). dunno how to explain la actually. i think both kind of churches are good in their own ways. still undecided whether wanna go back to acts church again next weekend. the bad thing is that they end around almost 2pm. gila.

so today we were preached bout the light. bout how God provides us with light (not sunlight) to bring away the darkness around us. which means evil la. and it totally struck me lo. bout how we shudnt talk bad bout others and how sinful it is. which reminds me of her. its not that i still tak insaf-ly talk bout her but it kinda made me realized how bad it was. and i should always ask for His help whenever im in deep shit or committing some sins (lol i dunno how to put it in words) and God is always looking after you. and this totally happened to me today!! the internet went down when i really needed to study and there. i did. although not much. but at least i studied with all my study aura gone this weekend. lol i guess today im really lost of words but never mind la understand then can already.

dont sin anymore la. and pastor sandra talked bout how she lied to her mother bout going out with her friends but actually went out with a boy and ended up getting caught. hahahah! okay la. if this happens to me i'll try to tell my mom honestly. not like i already have a boyfriend now but. that doesnt mean i'll be single forever hahahah what am i talking bout -.-

just remember to always walk with God and i believe He'll always show you THE LIGHT so you will not be blinded by the evil aura around you. wooots. finally get the feel back :)) God is good and so are you!

9 more days. but im not looking forward to it. i mean. just neutral feelings la. its just a birthday afterall? its not that i can just get anything i want. hahaha. should be worrying more bout finals wei. C: good results and thats what i really want for my 19th birthday.

#103. IF. you wouldnt answer my calls.

get tired very early nowadays but then when i reluctantly get to bed i cant sleep and gotta listen to songs to make myself sleepy what is this man shizzzz waste all my time only :/

best emo song of all times! even after months? best until i can get up to blog bout it :D hey awesome vid too just look at seulong haha so yummmay.



2AM. they never fail to come up with great ballads. :)
time for a new album my dearsss. something better than saint o' clock ploxxxx
wait. i think i've said this million times already. haha bedtimeeee! gotta study my ass of tomorrows.

#102. Transition.

its the time again.
when emo and insecurity strikes. you force yourself to sleep but just cant do so.
and the music player decides to play around with your feelings, playing all the emo songs on shuffle.

and the question is up again. something i've never gotten a clear answer for years.
whats my purpose of life? even if i dont know, am i living up to it? am i wasting too much time of my life doing unnecessary things?

a never ending cycle it is.


must go to church this sunday no matter what. wanna get back that feel :D

am learning to appreciate every moment and everything around me. and happy birthday mama. love you.

#101. The reply.

first i wanna apologize to you for disappointing you over and over again. i seriously need to lock up the bitch inside me haha :D

okay first. if you know me i think you will know that im a very insecure person. i do not know how ppl feel unless they can show me very properly. i think i know you guys love me, but sometimes i just feel that you guys love the new friends more than you love me. sometimes i feel that you're hanging out with me not because you really like to hang out with me, but because we've been hanging out since forever. maybe its stupid to have that thought, but sometimes when i feel that way i would be like thinking, why ah? is it because im not fun enough? is it because of things i do annoy you or what. why is it that i cant be the important one because sometimes im left out from being jio-ed to things. is it because i've been very bitchy? or what. think think think then emo. this is how i feel la but maybe i think too much :(

cannot say that they're a bad influence also cuz apart from the bullying? if thats what you guys see, we didnt do any other evil things? at first everything started as a joke then i dont know why we just got used to all the backstabbing and stuff. me and C, we regret everytime after we did all the mean things, we made each other promise not to repeat the mistake sooo many times, but everytime there's just something she does that piss us off. thanks for reminding me, cuz what we've been doing is sooo. high school. seriously, why did i ever forget? we're old enough for these shits. maybe we've been running away from the truth, we dont want to believe that what we did was wrong, what we did was so bitchy and if this happens in high school, the whole world could've hated us already. except that this is already college, nobody really cares and the fact that maybe, nobody likes her enough to stand up for her. maybe we should really talk over it like an adult..

and about him, you're right. what you said are truths piercing through my heart. i need time. maybe im willing to give up that 0.1%. i just need some time. to meet someone new?

you know i love you too.

#100. the 1st of April,

has never been a significant date to me, as im never an aprils fool person. never good in lying and also never good in acting. and seldom got fooled also :p

someone texted me "i miss you" and thats the only prank i got today :D

then it was like any other ordinary days until vernhui told me i got 30+ for my cal2 test2. which totally woke me up from my nap and i got soooo happy and until now i still dunno whether its real or not cuz its too unbelievable omg i dont need to retake cal2!!!

then i couldnt get back to sleep because i was too excited and i decided to fool people by changing my relationship status (not creative at all i know i know but i just want to do it lahhh :p)

now i wonder whether my mom will call and ask me bout it later. XD

p/s: holding back my laughter while watching hanjia and gang's moral video as the roomie is sleeping. hahaha rocks la wei.

#99. AP 公公.

i dont know whether its normal to be emotional at the wee hours of the morning, cuz im kinda tearing as im typing this.

i usually had approx half an hour more to sleep after my mom acted as my physical/manual alarm clock but today, i just cant get myself back to sleep after hearing that my grandpa has passed away at around 2 o' clock this morning.

omg. i've never been close to this grandpa, seriously you can never imagine how a grandpa-granddaughter relationship can be this cold lo. i hardly see him for more than 5 times every year despite that we're staying just like a 10 minutes' ride from each other (not after i came to nilai of course) and living up to this age i think even the sentences of our previous conversations added up did not exceed 50. im very very serious (things got worse since he got alzheimer's i think).

ahhh my point is. i feel a sudden emptiness once i heard the news. i thought i was still dreaming, i "huh??" a few times to confirm and i guess i was too loud that i woke my roomie up. partly because it was too sudden (we've always been sure that he can live up to another 3/4 years) and partly because, i guess. this is what they called. blood connection. theres just something there thats. urghhh i dunno how to explain la. but the first thing that popped onto my mind was : no more gong gong on cny reunion dinner. our reunion dinner's never been crowded for a few years now, its always been my family, gong gong and bachelor uncle only. and now. arghhh. didnt know how these lil things mean so much to me.

what a huge blow to start the day. a part of me is feeling guilty cuz i was busy complaining that its such a weekend to be back home with a full agenda next week then suddenly this happened to shut me up. dont know but it feels likes karma (everything thats happening to me feels like karma nowadays urghhhh).

on the other hand. its super bad to say this but with all the funeral thingy going on and stuff, will i be able to study? and prepare for the audition? shittt. i told you week 12's gonna be historical. wait, i mean epic. must use a cooler word wants -.-

gosh. i wonder whether dad is crying. :( R.I.P gong gong.

#98. Whats real and whats not.

hey you. kinda tired of seeing you all innocent in front like you dont have any clue bout whats happening and then complaining like shit behind. its just like exposing your hypocrisy hmm.

and you. it takes some level of bitchiness to be such a good backstabber (its not that im not like that myself pffffft i might have accidentally joined in the fun earlier) but.

ala why put me in this position where i have to take care of both of you guys' feelings, being careful not to say something wrong and most importantly, its not even my problem and any second i might be labeled as the bitch again (like i never get it enough). dengg. just leave me alone la please. i have way more and better thingys to be pek cek of.

fed up. we're not high school kids anymore.

#97. 가슴이 아직 아파.

기분이 안 좋다.



can someone just buy me this? :D

#96. Something old yet new.

13.88/15 for my statistics test 1.

for the first time in college, im feeling a sense of achievement. because apart from Winson the freak, i did quite well compared to the rest of my classmates.

:):) shocked quite a number of people though, maybe i've always looked stupid. i mean not studious.

it really works when you're more dedicated into things. and i really miss being top of the class.

way to go xt !

#95. Calculus II ; The Aftermath.

okay maybe i shouldnt use the word aftermath here cuz as far as i know it kinda means it in the negative way.

well, i think test 1 was okay. at least it was better than what i expected. and i think i can at least score.. 35/50? i hope. just as long as i didnt do any careless mistakes. i hope :)

but then again, maybe the word aftermath can be used. since im super sickly now. again D: mom thinks it might be caused by my lack of sleep last night (maybe too nervous) and also stress. seriously. cal2 DID gave me a lot of mental torture.

anyway, glad its over. had no energy to do anything, so am kinda chilling for the night. preparation for bio test will start tomorrow !

its kinda nice, being occupied with stuff. at least it will keep certain things outta your mind. oh and i didnt know inti does have some really cute boys. until recently. haha. k bye. what should i watch now? hmmm. maybe vampire diaries.

lifes good.



p/s: dream high spoiler:
hyemi ended up with samdong. disappointed. very very very disappointed :(:(:(
cant wait to watch it tmrw, though. last ep liao whyyyy.

#94. Its the time of the semester again,

where tests and assignments are piling up ; and you feel like you're badly strangled by all the stress.

felt intimidated again during assignment "discussion" with Vern Hui. well it wasnt even a discussion since he was guiding me all the way through the questions.

and he was kinda.. strict. and honest. he kept telling me i had to work harder if i dont want to retake. with sarcastic face and statements and all. damn i almost cried. i seriously dont want to retake. i dont want to waste money :(

now with Boon Seng gone theres practically no one who could make me feel hopeful bout calculus. no ones there to tell me, you will do well, dont worry everythings gonna be okay. and i think i should be optimistic and thank these people for making me realize the harshness of reality. i have to ace test 1. and end all my nightmares.

right now, i dont think i can. just have to sacrifice more. just that lil bit more. cram everything right into my head. and i think i will be able to do it. just gotta push that lil bit more of self-confidence up. just. and WORK HARD.

im sorry to the rest of the adventure race committee. i just cant afford to lose that saturday. im sorry im sorry.

its on monday. and everything is in my hands.


;;; facebook deactivated. to run away from things. just for a little while. i wish i have 48 hours a day, damn.

p/s: what i said in the last post, i think i just did the same thing. FML.

#93. A short update ; I hope this is not selfish.

i seriously dont like it, when you spend hours or even days working on your assignment, regardless how many marks it carries, and people just tend to copy your work, partly or whole.

hate it even more, when they ask : waaa so geng one how you got the answers one? making it sound like the answers will straight away come out by just googling it.

i study la deng. do research la deng. until i get the answers that make me satisfied. until im sure that i did not do the work half-heartedly. and all you have to do is just copy copy copy.

its not even maths, that when you get stuck then its the end of it.

you may think that im being selfish, but i spent so much effort on that piece of assignment, it really hurts me to give away the answers like that. yes i can help, once is okay, but again and again, even saints get fed up you know.

okay. end. i feel better now.
and this does not apply to just one person only so dont perasan.

i dont take my studies lightly okayy.

#92. ♥, a wonderful thing.

just got back from yc session with sis lynn and jack kor kor since they're leaving tmrw. wont be seeing jie again after this if i dont go back to kuantan before, or dont send her off when she flies back to aussie. and they look super.. steady. its funny what love does to people, they kinda had language barrier (mmm not really also la just different educational background) and now jie speaks super good chinese. considered good for a banana la although still cacat-ed and they look so good together heee. makes me feel so happy just by looking at them :) gotta lansuk more with jack kor kor if i wanna tumpang his car to see jie off end of this month haha!

and i was watching dreamhigh, alone in the cafeteria. before meeting up with them.

haemi was a hot-tempered and confident girl but after meeting jinguk she learnt to be more considerate and stuff. they had some sweet moments, then haemi misunderstood jinguk, it lasted for a while then jinguk finally found a chance to explain then haemi forgave him. then they went on a ferris wheel and jinguk talked bout his dad and they both cried and then jinguk asked her why are you always crying because of me, haemi said she doesnt know why and then he just kissed her. omg, so romantic. then samdong whos in love with haemi since the beginning, saw the scene and got so heartbroken, and he kinda decided to be a bad boy? (haha this one have to wait for the next episode to confirm) anyway, i cried watching this scene. partly because of jinguk's dad story and you know the way they cry in korean dramas its really infectious plus i cry easily over drama scenes so yeah. kiss on a ferris wheel. damn thats so romantic.

pilsuk was originally fat when she fell in love with jason, an abk (american born korean lol) transfer student and jason was always nice to her so she kinda misunderstood. plus jason likes to sing with her cuz he likes her voice. then later she found out that he was nice to her just because of manners (just being a gentleman), she got heartbroken but still decided to confess to make sure, and kinda got rejected. so she said, i hope you can give me an answer again if i become slim in 200 days. then she diet like hell, lost a lot of weight and became super pretty in 200days then jason came back and saw her and maybe there was some sparks and he asked her why didnt you ask me to choose again? then pilsuk said i didnt know why i fell in love with a guy who had no aim in life something lidat, er then. pilsuk got gastritis and was sent in to the hospital, jason flew back all the way from japan but thick-faced enough to not tell her that he came back for her. (ala standard korean drama storyline this one) and now. i cant wait for them to be together like haemi and jinguk did, finally!

okay la maybe you wouldnt understand all the crap above if you dont watch dreamhigh but seriously. i dunno why these two love stories are like super realistic. like you dont feel like its fairytale-ish, hmmm, dont know how to put that in words. it just.. feels real and possible.

... i just think. maybe love doesnt always suck. it depends on how you handle it, no? and whether the other person is the one whom you're meant to be with :)

so... wheres mr.right?

#91. When you are not on good terms with your mother.

maybe she thinks im enjoying too much and not studying after having so much fun, she totally didnt buy it when i told her i was in my room, when she called me around 12am. and she was furious when i told her i ate domino's for dinner.

"dont you know how fat you are now i told you to control your diet now you totally have no waistline and your body is so thick you know" blablablablabla.

shit, i know that mom you dont have to remind me 24/7 :(( we ordered that to eat before meeting ma, takkan i want to eat alone one right right right. trust me, this will last for days. hate it when the mama's not happy with me. very cham one okay sure kena suspect this suspect that argh sien.

anyway mom issue aside, wanted to go jogging this evening but then i woke up late cuz i slept dead after popping a flu pill and it was almost domino's time so plan was canceled. and the days before, was busy with gathering nights so had no time to go for tennis/swimming too. dont tell me these are excuses i seriously wanted to go badly wan lo (chehh).

and i dont know whats wrong with my sleeping routine lately. everythings like suddenly. errr. whats the word. anyway i had insomnia on sunday night, and since that day i've been sleeping a lot during the afternoon and super awake at night. the minus side, i wasted all my lovely afternoons, and the plus side, im super semangat to study at night. at least my plans didnt fail. EXCEPT calculus two. havent started studying and im quite blur bout whats taught. so far. seriously needa start working on it. speaking of which simba was supposed to give me his self-proclaimed very tidy and complete notes but of course he didnt, noob !

okay so blogging mojo is definitely not with me today. and i better sleep before i get nocturnal hahaha oh thats the word ! gonna be real busy with assignments and tests coming up so will try my best to drop by. and hey its gonna be valentines day so happy valentines everyone hope you got your ideal date. hahaha.

aim : 3 kgs til the end of this month !

#90. Boys.

theres always this one boy, that you love with all your heart.

theres always this another boy, that you go to everytime you have problems.

theres always this another boy, that happens to be a backup plan.

theres always this another boy, that you like to boast to people about.

theres always this another boy, that makes you have random crushes on.

theres always this another boy, that flirts with you and you flirt back.

theres always this one boy, that you know you'll never get.

have you found your boys?



well actually. im just crapping at 2 o' clock in the morning.
this is my blog so dont complain :D

#89. Banana-ness.

meeting the Lee cousins has always made me felt inferior and shameful of my english. they speak english, i speak english. but somehow theirs are like super, proper. i realized i speak a lot of broken english without realizing it, for example.

1. chehh, he's not hot also ! which happens to be direct translated from chehh, 他又不帅 !
and the correct one should be : chehh (can be omitted), he's not even hot !

2. since we're here already then just go only lah. direct translated from 既然来到这里了就去罢了啦.
again, the correct one should be : since we're here we might as well just go.

see the difference? the difference between real banana and fake/non-banana. so it kinda made me insaf (shit whats it called in english?) and i decided to banana-fy myself. well if you think properly its fine to start training now than to look stupid when i get to america. so, no more ahbeng/lian-ness !

being away from subang for too long is bad. as Jud correctly says i should visit them more often so yeah hello banana-ness.

p/s: where are the real inti bananas?

#88. Just.

Very random ;

1. my rabbits are so cute and fluffy. they shit too much, but thank goodness they dont stink.

2. im stuck at home with no plans on jarrel's birthday.

3. csc text book has been left untouched since yesterday, maybe i should studying. but i helped with cleaning today so im resting?

4. my hair's kinda shitty now thanks to the bad haircut yesterday. i forgot it always takes at least one week for my hair to look nice again. (cny gg liao :3)

5. dream high rocks. taecyeon rocks. wooyoung rocks. suzy rocks iu rocks joo rocks. i dunno why i even bothered watching mary stayed out late (or whatever the english translation is).

6. theres a red android phone in the drama but i cant google it. its super pretty omg.

7. i love taecyeon. seriously. he is so yummy omg you should watch dream high.

8. i think i dont want cny to come so fast.

9. can i like lose some weight now and grow some hair?

10. taecyeon oh taecyeon. ;)))

#87. Swings, not.

#nowplaying 卢学睿 - 你可不可以爱我.
which suits my mood.

realizing that everything you do is actually a joke to others. when they listen to your rants it doesnt mean they like it ; maybe they're just not mean enough to stop you.

i guess its true, that some words are better left unspoken. people know me too well not because im easy to read. its because i tend to tell people things. and i guess this is what makes me vulnerable.

sometimes its better to be more. mysterious. and put up this strong image. being weak can be quite.. annoying. at least now i can be emo and cry to sleep but wake up the next morning feeling brand new. with nobody knowing what happened the night before.

AIYA DONT EMO !

#86. Zero inspirations. SIEN.

what happened in the last 10 days? why didnt i have the urge to at least blog something? maybe cuz after all the happening stuff happened til late at night (lol) i came back to sleep straightaway. and now that i've a roommate i'll be super sien once i get back to my room since she sleeps superrrr early. sheesh.

anyway, inti is like a ghost town now since everyone's back home. stuck here for the night with half a tao sa pao and 3 siu mais for dinner (lonely max and im pissed at the fact that i gained 1kg just 1 day before im going home -.- preparing to kena shoot 99 by the mama) but the siu mai rocks like hell. grrr and mph was so dusty during the cleaning up after exhibition week session and i've gotten a runny nose ever since. and i might even be getting a sore throat.

current stalk-findings : (i dunno what word is this it came out randomly -.-) roomie is skyping with boyf with video on but not talking lol probably cuz im here. then i feel sien again because i realized i've been single for a really really long time and sien #2 my face is super round and when i was depressed (kinda) bout it then someone just had to come and tell me that im fat. the ex boyf that was, dont need me to tell you the name. sien #3 everyone else would be slim and pretty during cny and i'll be, one word. FAT with zero attractiveness argh sien sien sien. CAN I JUST SLIM DOWN AH :((((((((

SO. today's mood after 2pm = SIEN. before 2pm. happy happy because i think (i hope) i only got one question wrong for my bio quiz eventhough its only 4/100 and because i had to wake up from my sleep at 2pm realizing that everyone else would probably be gone. and seriously i dont want flabby arms i dont want pail waist (direct translate-.-) and i hope tomorrow i wont have this face -.- and i pray that mama wont show me this face -.- too when she gets me from the airport. seriously dont have to remind me that im fat i dont want us to have this face -.- together.

this pic makes me happy and de-.-fies my face.
i do know that today im super lame.

#85. I cannot screw this up again.

Facebook chat with Dr.Lim. And this is what I got.

Your CGPA is "okay" as you did not do too well in MAT132 and PSY105. Try to get better results this semester. Love from cikgu.

How can I afford to disappoint him again? Buck up, baby.
Wait. Why am I calling myself baby?!

So. Please don't blame me for not being steady okay.
I have my own reasons.

#84. Friends.

just. a sudden realization after i spent a few moments thinking. no matter what happens. i think friends. are always important. i swear i'll love you guys with all my heart.


no more bitching in whatever circumstances ; no more dulan-ing over lil stuffs. this is an additional resolution, of what i wanna achieve in 2011 :)

#83. First week review?

second semester. first week. enrollment day was super annoying, and had minimum classes on the few days after. didnt really give me the semangat spirit that i wanted. random trip to giant was quite fun, celebrated eve's birthday like, everyday. trip to midvalley was, super tiring. got a roommate, still super not used to it. because there's someone else in the room and we're not talking. gained some weight, and now i dunno what to blog bout. lame. spent the day doing my laundry, cleaning up the room and watching vampire diaries. and i've the whole sunday to spend tomorrow. go to church, study, and watch pps maybe? will have 10 hours of class on monday. good luck to me man. planned to skip dinner but im starving now. and the gang has eaten dominos. super super awesome. kthxbai no mood.

#82. I'm fine?

有人说过 emo的时候 用华文比较容易express. 我就说. 我习惯rojak 因为我华文英文都半桶水. 我不是文学派 我也不擅长用文字表达内心.

一整天 阴沉沉 吹冷风 可是就不见雨滴. 跟我的心情一模一样.


ice-cream. i believe its one of the best remedies to a broken heart.
和 jj, kmen, jou and kaen 坐在coffee station 有说有笑. 我有感到温暖.
昨天和 jj and bert 坐在篮球场谈心. 又是另一种温暖.

我真的不喜欢 独来独往. 不明白那些人 到底是怎样survive的? 虽然有时候真的需要自己的 private time 但是一个人的时候 真的很容易胡思乱想.

以前的我 很相信朋友. 结果很多次被别人在背后砍刀后 谁都不敢相信. 活在自己的世界里 甚至远离人群. 直到 她 让我觉得 世界上 还是有知心朋友.

现在的我 已经大概可以分辨 哪个朋友可以相信 哪个朋友是真心对待我?
可惜的是.. 来到college后 跟很多人drift apart了.. :(

这几天 看到很多couple. 他们到底是 怎样找到对方的? 过了那么多年 我好像已经忘记 两个人互相喜欢 到底是什么感觉. bert说 很想有个女朋友给他siak. 如果不喜欢对方 在一起又有什么意思?

所以说 love cannot be a desire. 坚持坚持 love by chance, forget by will. 虽然后者 有时候 doesnt work. in certain cases. 经过两次的 heartbreak. 表白这种事 不敢随便做了!

今天 emo emo 就好 什么都已经哭完 明天就是新开始! say hi to nerdy ambitious and self-improving me. 还有在这一年半里面珍惜和朋友在一起的日子!
吃ice-cream很开心 但是一定要戒掉. 我要美美回家过新年!


我让时间决定啦:) 我没有怪过你.

#81. 주.

people please give Joo all your love! i thought she's new but apparently she's debuted in 2008! totally in love with her now. seldom got girls so emo already nowadays. i mean the songs. awesome ballads seriously. Heartmade the album rocks.

Eve this was the song i was talking bout go listen !

#80. Post-OLE.

OLE was.. kinda bad. at least for me. just couldnt get myself to be friendly. and sometimes got so nervous. from the mingle-mingle to games explanation. i did badly. i know i totally looked lansi/incapable. nobody liked me. shit. wait, i didnt even mingle. i should be nicer to strangers. argh! managed to turn back the situation a lil during the sharing session. at least some of them did talked to me :/ but still. 0 popularity man! nobody added me on facebook ohwells. i feel sorry to my excos. im like the worst faci ever but please dont drop me out from the next OLE. i need to learn :(

i thought i had a lot to say but i didnt blog straightaway so. yesterday. went to alamanda and watched gulliver's travels. not so epic as compared to the trailer, and everyone was in a sleepy state. maybe it was too cold. splurged on etude house's bb cream. still working hard for that aura, was totally in a good mood until at night. freaking waited 30mins for some brats to come for dinner some more didnt get any apologies and need to see their fuckface. got scolded for almost no reason. slowly recovered til the second big impact came. and. now my heart is prepared to go to ICU.

#79. TVXQ? before and after.

very tvxq music. yunho looks different, older and tinier and less muscular :/ changmin has gotten longer than ever, more mature, and even raps now. they look.. sad. and sick. from my pov. seriously very incomplete, and a lil disappointing. 2 people only, what do you expect? but im positive that they'll still rock ballads, and i cant wait :)



different style, different market. no problem for yoochun, but junsu and jaejoong should work on their pronunciation first :/ but they're kinda happier this way? i get this conclusion from their tweets. at least they look.. healthier. seriously.



of course, nothing can beat the 5 of them together. being a fan of around 6 years, i would rate the old TVXQ! a ten, JYJ an eight and the new TVXQ! a seven. sad. very sad. anyway, i still support :)

screw SM! go JYP!

... i blog too much today. or maybe, i kpop too much today.

#78. Nichkhun Buck Horvejkul.

heard this song on we got married, loved it instantly and realized i had it in my computer all the while, and found a live performance of it =D

this is the first time hearing nichkhun's REAL voice. because he's been rapping in all the other 2PM hits and and. hahahaha super cute lo his voice! and do all the foreigners sound the same? because nichkhun sounds exactly like hangeng lo. maybe because of the pronunciation la. hen gui si cute homgg :))

on we got married nichkhun and jokwon re-recorded this song as a christmas present for victoria and gain. super sweet can! i have a feeling that nichkhun and victoria are real couples. jokwon-gain and yonghwa-seohyun also like. memang onscreen couples only. but khuntoria are different! im sure they have feelings for each other wan lo. nichkhun is the sweetest boyfriend ever arghhh! super super like. haha victoria if you dont want nichkhun please gimme =DDD

btw, chansung is the worst rapper ever. sorry :) did you rap just to replace taec or something? okay i shall check the ori audio later hee. btw you rocked joo's mv. please be in a drama i'll watch your acting 99 :)))

#77. The second semester.

packing. back to the jungle tomorrow! as im typing this simba told me he finally confessed to his dad bout his results but didnt get scolded. sometimes honesty owns all? like my mom, she always knows when im upset/hiding something cuz according to her, theres this connection. okay it makes sense also la -.- then when im honest bout it she'll be very happy and in contrast if she finds out herself she'll be. furious.

speaking of mom. she always has these words of wisdom which make me go wahhh! like wahhh my mom really had life experiences and she always says it at the right time eg. when im having some dilemma or something. so just now i was chilling with her in the car (trying to make it sound cool lol wtf i hang out with my mom everyday now) and she suddenly told me.

(if i translate it sounds weird so in chinese it shall be) 有时候你不要看到路难走就不敢走 有时候人大胆一点会比较好 最重要对自己有信心 还有记得路走完会得到什么. then i was like WAHHHH. seriously i was speechless for a moment or two. maybe it sounds normal to other ppl but then i was like, super inspired. hahaha. some more you can apply this to everything you do wan lo.

note to self before new semester starts:
no more slacking! revise everything taught on the same day! no more sleeping after 1am! go swimming/tennis/jogging as frequent as possible! less money spent on food! eat less! no karaoke on weekdays (this one still considering XDXDXD) spend weekends wisely! increase CGPA! prioritize both tests and finals! go to church as frequent as possible! others to be added (if any)

off for pps session! lets watch some khuntoria babeh. yummmms.

#76. Boyfriend?

mom asked: why havent you found a boyfriend?
i dont know how to answer :)
chill mom, chill.

out of expectations 的事情发展 让我忍不住 得意忘形.
有些事 就是应该 收在心里 为什么 总是学不会.
the saying goes, 努力就会有成果.
以前 就是坚信 right person, wrong timing 才不知不觉 撑了那么多年.
现在 真的很想争取 可是 才刚开始想努力 就觉得前面的路 很难走.
半天吊 呼吸更困难.
至少 现在 已经学到 不会把 emo show 完出来.
我不敢 渴望. 像一路来那样 静静从背后看着可以吗?

everythings gonna be okay.

#75. What did we do in JB/SG?

1. crashed at ferng's crib/condo.

2. went to the lamest board games cafe ever with very gao siu waitresses *name censored*

3. went to kukup, superrrr nice place.

4. went to sutera mall, city square and.. jusco bukit indah?

5. tasted the best lok lok ever with awesome side dishes wooohooo and also our most expensive dinner.

6. celebrated tze yow and callie's birthday.

7. spend new years day at ferngs condo (old people style =D)

8. went to bugis in singapore, which turned out to be super malaysian (potong steam D:)

9. took lots of pics to refresh memory.

and.

10. bonded with each other :)

what did i leave out? im sure theres more. but. it had been an awesome week. really awesome one.cant wait to have more vacations like this before jjwong flies to the faraway land! i appreciate how much you guys rock my life! (i sound like old people again) anyway.

2011 is gonna be awesome. i rmb ranting how much 2009 sucked but 2010 was pretty bad too so. 2011 must be good. a big must. happy new year people!


what did i do in jb?
i confessed my feelings to the boy i really like.