#74. extract from the old blog ; for temporary viewing purposes only. slightly edited to protect people mentioned.

Love at first sight? I never believed in that. But I believe there was something about you that attracted me when I first laid my eyes on you. That morning when I happened to be walking with MH. It was towards the end of 2005. I was 13. You came by and talked to him. I was literally stunned. Why didn't I see you before? You were so pretty. And that was what I thought. I was bugging MH "Who's that?" and he just threw me a Citarasa. That was when I knew your name, knew your presence.

H was my kor and he sayang me so much at that time. When I told him about you he quickly got me your number and I started texting you and we contacted each other on Friendster a lot. That's what little girls would do but I'm glad we made friends. But I still saw you with M so often. Think you guys were still together but I liked you a lil too much to give up on you. We still text, and you treated me well. You even told me you "love me" but I guess you didn't know that it meant more than you thought it did.

Then I was 14. I was still crazy about you. I skipped classes and recess just to watch you play basketball. So hot, thats what I always thought. I gave you some lame present on your birthday. You still cared a lot about me eventhough we didn't get together. But then the truth that I got together with K shocked you. I didn't tell you that it was because I felt sorry for K. You thought I was over you, E even came to scold me because according to him, I broke your heart. Things might be different if you asked me yourself. But I couldn't do anything cuz I chose K.

I broke up with K when I was 15. I came to you and you comforted me. You went for recess with me and you sent me off when I went for choir competition. You called me at night. When K got jealous for nothing you even went to explain. You were so nice, why did I let you go again? And I don't even know why I got back with K and left you feeling cheated and clueless for the second time.

16, you were holidaying after you SPM. I thought you'd go to college but you appeared for Lower 6. It was June, and you suddenly sent a text saying that you forgot my birthday two months ago. I joked with you saying that I'm sad you didn't give me any presents. And you said you only give presents to special people. And surprisingly I felt hurt. That was when I realized I still like you all the while. Not long after that, I broke up with K.

17. We weren't as close as we were the years before, until one day you gave me that smile. The smile that made my heart melt for you again. We started texting, and when I finally picked up the courage to confess, you said you liked me too. And that you needed time to think whether we should couple. But we were just in an unofficial relationship, we went for recess together and everyone thought we finally made it this time. Everything was so real. I had the best Chinese New Year with you. All your friends were happy with your "girlfriend".

But you told me after CNY that you didn't want to be with me, and that you wanted to focus on your STPM. I was devastated, but I thought it was best to let you go. D and CK were the ones who distracted me from you for a period of time. You were still important to me, I sent you wishes and goodluck texts. Then you asked me out. It's been almost a year since I saw you so upclose. And I could never stand it whenever you smile. You were so nice, and even offered to get me a job.

So you know, I'm falling for you again. It's you again. I might have liked a few other dudes but you're the one whom my feelings for you never died. I cried the most for you, not only when I was heartbroken, I even shed tears of joy for you. Remember when you wished me happy birthday? It was just a simple text but I cried, because it meant so much to me.

I know you don't want commitment, and your feelings for me might be just as a friend. And you might be afraid to get involved with me again since I let you down twice. So I'm just keeping this to myself now. You don't have to know, and you don't have to like me back. I don't know whether this is love, but if it is, I love you.

*pic removed*

Smile more, will you? :)


I love you.

#73. imaginary letter, from you to me ;

You want to know why im treating you this way. But ask yourself. Why.

I trusted you. I was falling for you. But what did you do? You ended up with someone else. K and i were great friends. But because of you, we fought, and it never got better again.

Who was there for you when you broke up? Me. I kept you company, made sure you werent lonely. And all i had to hear was you telling me how much you loved K. I endured it til the end. Then you got him back, and left me a broken heart.

The third time. Everything was so real, we were happy, everyone else was happy, thinking that we finally made it. You even cut everything off with K for me. However. Once bitten, twice shy. Im sorry that i backed off, i was so afraid that the same thing would happen to us again.

Last year. You suddenly asked me out and you confessed. Same thing, i didnt know whether i should trust you. I told you i just wanted to focus on my studies. I knew you were hurt, but i was overtaken by insecurity. Not long after that, i found out that when you confessed, you were actually with someone else. D. I was stupid enough to think that you were waiting all the while.

You saw me with D the other day. I was just as surprised as you to bump into each other again. D was certain that you would text me after that. And i was certain that he would tell you everything i said. I fed D the story that im still mad that you told everyone else that im ur boyfriend back then. When we werent.

But how long has this been? Almost 2 years. You must be really dumb if you believed the story. And dont you rmb how i defended you frm this? I knew M was jealous that we were close thats why she spreaded the rumor. But i believed you. Because of you i scolded my ex girlfriend of 3 years.

Rmb what happened on your last bday? I bought you a cake. I decided to make it up to you because i turned down your friends' invitation to celebrate your bday the year before. I called you when i was outside your house. I thought i could give you a surprise. But you were mean enough not to meet me. You asked me to just leave the cake outside. Why did you have to do that? Did you have another bf too?

So tell me XT. Tell me how im supposed to trust you again. All these while i havent been good in expressing my feelings but you should know that i truly care bout you. But all you did was giving me hopes and then letting me down. Dont tell me how much you love me, cuz if you do. You wouldve just focused on me. You wouldve just looked at me. Dont tell me you were lonely, i didnt have other girls either.

And now you are back again. I just have to ignore you. Im just protecting myself. From having another heartbreak. I have no other choices. I thought we could overcome this, but i guess we're just not meant to be. You too. After so many times, cant you just wake up and face the reality? It will never work out between us. Im sorry.




As stated and to repeat. This is merely IMAGINARY. Based on my own interpretations. With perasan elements. =.= Yes. As much as i hate to admit it i guess im still very much in love with him. And if we were given another chance. I swear i would appreciate it, never let go, and never screw it up again. Never get distracted by, and never find comfort in other guys again. But he's not willing to open up his heart again. Is he?

I wander round and round, but never fail to get back to him in the end. J, as a point in a circle. And the theory sticks.

Anyone remember the super long letter thingy that I wrote earlier this year? I tried to find it and realized its in another blog. And its private now. So i cant link it. Oh and it might be dangerous to post this here. But who cares, not many people know the new link? :x

#72.

simba texted and told me that our results are gonna be posted to our lovely homes tomorrow. and he's quite positive that the cgpa's gonna be included in it, so. tomorrow is doomsday! anyway, i've had quite a dramatic moment the other night. when i suddenly broke down and told my mom i had no confidence in doing actuarial science, and that i wanted to switch to accounting. where i can actually do better. its not that its not hard, but then, its def easier. i'd rather do something that i can pour my best in, rather than doing something that i might not be able to achieve. mom almost enrolled me into sunway. anyway, after all the dramas mom told me she has faith in me (with lots of elaborations full of motherly love), and i decided to give myself a second chance and work my ass off for my second semester and. there. end of drama. BUT. my mom still doesnt know my cgpa. and i'll let her down tomorrow. im ready to get some scolding, but what i cant stand most. is the disappointment on her face tomorrow. i dont care if she doesnt let me join the trip, all i know is. this will be the last time. i swear. i cant let my mom down again. and my dad. i love my parents i really do. i wanna make them proud. i wanna be successful one day and my parents to tell the whole world, yes, this is my daughter.

just now popo told me, 愿主保佑你. yes, dear Lord please watch after everyone who loves me. no more distractions, just one direction. walk all the way to the end. and make everyone proud.

#71.

CHM107 A
ENL101 A-
PSY105 B
MAT132 B-

Do the math. And there i kinda screwed up my first semester? FML, im such a messed up daughter. Mom asked me whether its what i expected, being as thick-faced as ever i didnt admit my disappointment. I expected all of them to be 1 grade up. But ofcourse miracles like this do not happen. Did i work hard? Yes, but i would say its not enough. Less entertainment, more studying should be the real uni life. I must've been nuts. If everything deteriorates even more next sem, in going to eat shit. Literally =.=

I always say i dowana disappoint my parents, but i end up disappointing myself the hardest. Where did my soul go? You have to come back, stop wandering wild. Can you see your future?

#70.

havent been meeting any friends since i got back. i think im getting anti-social. or maybe i lost all my self-esteem since the mom's treating me like im a total fatass. lol. anyway. i havent eaten any snacks for the whole week. slowly losing weight again. although im still too lazy to go exercise. watching so many dramas at once. lucky i didnt get the storylines mixed up ;3 went to watch hp7 just now. mom was supposed to follow, but there was some situation at dad's shop so she went to help. the myanmmar employees fought or something, and they couldnt agree with dad's way of handling things. and they decided to quit. all thanks to mom theyre back. dad, as mom says, he doesnt understand the mindset of employees. because he's been a boss since forever. lol -.- but i love my dad. he spends so much on us. provides us with everything. and he's getting old. hmmm. ohyea. going to china this 17th. i hope dad can come with us and his business will be okay with him away. havent eaten a proper meal for the whole day. mom just gave me some jelly-like thing which she says the shop owner calls it poor people's bird nest -.- it tastes and feels like grape flavored jelly la. what bird nest -.- donghae in its okay daddy's daughter as a.. construction worker? okay what although he looks tiny :3 just because nowadays the new actors are mostly models. sheeesh. oh and samsung sponsors galaxy s to all the new dramas. at first i feel excited that my phone keeps appearing then i slowly got used to it. they have it in white and pink too! so pretty. and apparently they have a thing that looks like ipad too. im positive its samsung. i must go google it.