#156.

Sorry, I'm totally blind I don't see anything else.
My eyes and ears and brain professionally work on their own now filtering what to take in hmmm and
yes, I believe what I saw or at least that's what I thought I saw.

I want the truth in a better form. I can't just stop when I'm still full of doubts.

Haiz. Two weeks feels like forever.
It's Feb 29 so Happy Confession Day. If only I get a second shot.

Lies with good intention are still lies.

#155. Tears.

每天靠着眼泪来睡着 已经过了一个礼拜 这个症状根本没有停过

一边哭一边看戏 也不知道那些 scene 真的有没有酱 sad?

jojo emo 的时候就一直睡觉 可是我的身体明明很累却不肯 shut down 真的很无奈

在这样下去 我会不会干掉还是累死掉?

ineedyounow

#154. Reasons.

付出真心却得不到回报? I don't like such emo statements that I see everywhere.

Nobody can get WHATEVER they want, and I believe God has His own reasons when He doesn't give you something.

I don't blame anyone, I don't blame you. We're just not meant to be!

But how long do I need to recover? Only time can tell..

No matter how hard I try to sleep it off, it just doesn't work.

I'm cool, we're cool. Everything's cool. Nothing has changed.

#153. 爱错.

The second time I'm experiencing this. The zombie life. Sleeping and eating are always the best combo but now I can't enjoy either. I want to eat properly, I want to sleep properly. But I can't. I have no appetite even when I'm hungry, and I don't feel tired after a long day. I don't even need afternoon naps. I keep feeling the need to keep myself occupied, and I feel that I don't have enough time for everything. The emptiness doesn't go away, none of my laughs even feels real anymore.

The last time this happened, it was 2007, after the first breakup. I guess this is the feeling of a real heartbreak. But this time it's not even a breakup. I don't know how I fell so deep cuz the feelings have always been only one-sided. :( Hate it when I want to avoid you so much, you just appear everywhere. It's like, I can't even get out of my room anymore. And it really sucks that I still care about what you think of me. Do you actually feel sorry for me?

This is totally wrong, I know. You probably don't give a damn. :( They're convinced that you have someone else, but I don't wanna know. Just give me time to get better. But seriously, I miss you like shit. Can we go swimming together again? And I miss January 14, the most. T____T

I should stop crying while watching dramas.

#152. Happy Valentines.

So I lied to myself and lied to everyone. If I really haven't been expecting anything at all, I wouldn't have cried so hard just now.

I really feel like shit. Not that I've been rejected but still I felt like it's the end of the world. Forget about my self-esteem, I felt my heart ripped into pieces. Worse, I chose for it to happen myself.

I convinced myself that whatever outcome it would be, I'll take it with a big smile and would not regret because at least I tried. I thought I did. But seriously? What kind of shit is that. I never felt such regret in my life. Foook. Why couldn't I just keep everything to myself. At least I could live in denial or whatever shit, I don't care, at least I would not hurt myself like this.

Having faith in yourself and everything else? That is bullshit. I've had enough. This stupid phrase is going to be gone from my dictionary. If I ever see it again I guess my brain will automatically translate it into "be prepared to get hurt because it's gonna let you down." Yay. =.=

So our beautiful memories only stopped on the first 14th. Wait, there's not even a "we" here. Because it's always just me. Why, thanks.

Fookthisshit. Fookmylife. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to get out of this room. Bye.