#114. Farewell, soon enough.

My theory that I'll automatically get emo after 2am is true. =/

Even if I'm only flying off to US in like a year's time, I'm starting to dread the departure. To top this is the fact that my friends are leaving one by one.

I was pretty hyped up when I started AUP. Excited that I actually have a chance to study in US. But what now? I'm super reluctant to leave. I'm sure everyone feels the same way as me, okay, most of them, if they have a heart. =/

Maybe, we did not expect to develop strong friendships here in INTI.

:(

Important people leaving soon. Both to New Jersey. Why so farawayyyy:(

#113. Ottoke !

The road is getting bumpier and bumpier;

With hell lots of distractions by the roadside and with no companions walking with me;

Where shall I look at, whom shall I listen to?

Why do I feel so lost, so alone? Nothing really gives me the strength to do anything right now.

Lord God in Heaven, where are You? I don't feel Your presence.

Sorry, but nothing really makes me happy now anymore.

#112.一无是处.

Who am i? Why am i so normal? Why am i not good in anything? Why am i nobody's favorite?
I need friends, i crave for their attention, i dont wanna feel left out, i hate being alone.
But why is everything going against my way?
Do i have an attitude problem? Do i piss people off? Why does everyone seem to hate me?
To hang on to these friends, i choose to neglect my family. I betray their trust. Even my family doesnt like me. Why cant i have both? I dont understand. What did i do that God has to punish me this way?
I cant stand this week. Its been my worst. First someone whom i thought was my best friend left me without a reason. Second my laptop died on me. Third emo-ness drove me to be rebellious and i got caught watching a late night movie and was screwed til almost five in the morning. Fourth i dropped my bb cream and blusher on the bus. Fifth i forgot to off my car lights and the battery died and they had to help me jumpstart my car. Sixth i got screwed face to face cuz i wanted to sleepover with the gang even if i have a home with my family here.
All these are signs frm God. But the problem is what is it that i need to change? Are friends just my excuse to have more fun?
Cannot be. I swear i love them with all my heart. Same goes to my family. But why cant they just love me back??
And Heavenly Father. Cant You forgive me for whatever that i've sinned?
I hate my life right now. At this point i wish that i was never born and grown this big.
If i get to choose im willing to start all over again as a baby.
You dont think its true? Just a simple experiment will do. I've done this a several times. If i never start asking nobody would ever take the initiative to ask me out for lunch, dinner or any outings at all. Accuracy up to 90%.
Do i deserve to be looked down on? This is not just plain insecurity. Its something huge eating up my inside. I dunno how long some more that i can withstand all this pain.
Okay. Maybe im better off friendless.

#111. Friendship.

不过就是单纯的友谊 怎么还要质疑

全世界都一样 不管你做什么 都用同样的理由来解释 就是 "你喜欢他"

我没有在逃避 只是不想再被莫名其妙的话伤害自己

。。。

就这样慢慢疏远 我们以后不会再是什么特别要好的朋友

本来就应该知道 你的世界根本容不下我这种跟你不同等级的人

可能我到某个时候会发现 以后的关系会比现在这样好很多

。。。

我珍惜的两个朋友
这两天都轮流在我的伤口上撒盐
到底会怎么样了呢? 时间会告诉我
只要我做好自己...


其他其他的人 我知道你们也很爱我 谢谢你们
尤其是今天安慰我的那位
谢拉:]

#110. All in one shot.

warning : emo post ahead and i swear i have all the reasons to be emo. with them all combined together, its fatal T___T

firstly. im sick. down with flu and sore throat and slightly feverish. slept for 5 hours this afternoon after class but still not getting better. water keep flowing from my nose hahaha if u get what i mean. keep blowing my nose only. took some flu pills also. think im sleeping with koolfever tonight, to be on the safe side.. and i had no appetite for the whole day!! if you know me well you know how fast i get hungry everyday right. so its like.. super abnormal. the emptiness is there loh. its like you know its time to eat but you dont feel hungry at all. damn sad :'(

secondly. i've been feeling left out these few days. because she got new best friend already. hey im not jealous okay, i feel so happy for her. but then. it hurts when i feel like im not the top priority anymore. its like. im not the only plan anymore. not the only one she depends on anymore. made my hopes high when she's gonna bring me to meet the friends then made me fell face flat when she said the taxi only occupies 4 of them and not me. sorry, im a thinker. for the moment i felt like. maybe i dont belong to that circle also. so why bother getting in? then when i slowly cooled down i asked her whether she wants to come to kuantan with me? this weekend wants to go to kl? she didnt say no, i dunno why but the way she answered spells rejection. another huge blow landed. and now i dunno what will happen next..

thirdly. people's been kacau-ing me that i like him. i've been denying this for like months then the rumors and teasing stopped. until recently. i dunno who started the dumb thing again and this time its kinda serious. the way they brought up the topic during the 2 truths and 1 lie game last night was. urghh. you cannot imagine how i felt. its like all the guns at palma are pointing at me saying "just admit that you like him." greattt. and from the way i see it he kinda believes it also. which is kinda ridiculous cuz we've been close friends since forever. i havent seen him since the paiseh thing last night but i bet its gonna be awkward between us. greattt. im sure people's response to this will be "ur fault lah who ask you to be so close to him!" so okay lah.

fourthly. the a levels gang are finishing their exam next week so they are going to kuantan. on thursday. and now its kinda like the whole huge makan gang is going. and the problem is, i have class on friday thats why i cant follow the crowd on thursday. so i asked on our makan gang page whether anyone wants to follow me but, no response! the other day, i jio-ed people to makan but no one wanted to eat. so yesterday i kinda changed it to another way. i asked whether anyone wants to join me for dinner. same result. why lah make me feel like im the insignificant one? seriously. whats my problem?? :'( so now its either i dont go back next weekend at all, or i'll have to take plane. which adds more weight on my guilty conscience because i've spent enough money already!

i dont say anything, i dont show anything. but that doesnt mean i dont feel anything.
and if u happen to feel that my rants are unnecessary, just have to leave this page right now. thanksss.

i just need to get rid of this. insecurity problem. i wanna go home!